


Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles Part 2

by IeshaFox



Series: Red Vs. Blue [2]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Humor, Novelization
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-30
Updated: 2015-10-03
Packaged: 2018-04-24 01:45:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 19
Words: 25,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4900768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IeshaFox/pseuds/IeshaFox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three months have passed, and the medic has just arrived, but too late. The events at Blood Gulch, the boxed canyon, are about to get crazy. It's back! Be ready for the crazy humor, of Red Vs. Blue!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Everything Old Is New Again

**Author's Note:**

> Red Vs. Blue is not owned myself. That right goes solely to the true owners, Rooster Teeth, and the actors that performed in this amazing comedy series! I hope you enjoy the novelization I've done. I can't promise that it's the best, due to my lack of sight, and as well, I must apologize if I get something wrong, say, something that happened in the show, but I did not mention, lack in color. Otherwise, I do hope you enjoy!

"Come in blue command, come in,"  
a voice spoke over the radio.  
"This is Medical Officer  
Du'Fresne. I have reached  
Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha."  
He waited for a few moments, but  
received no answer.  
"Do you read?" he finally asked.  
Finally, static, and a garbled  
voice came over his radio.  
The voice could barely be heard  
to be saying, "Yes, dude,  
hello, can you read me? Hello?  
Check one, check two."  
"Say again blue command, I do  
not read," the officer in purple  
armor, known as DuFresne,  
hailed.  
"Check two. Is this thing on?  
Hello, hello." the voice was  
saying, but DuFresne did not  
hear his superiors speaking.  
"Blue Command, please boost your  
transmission to match communication  
protocol, Echo, Bravo,"  
DuFresne looked around Blood  
Gulch, where he'd just arrived, in the  
center of a large, barren canyon,  
as he was interrupted.  
"Yo, I hear you. Calm down,  
dude, what's going on? Hello,  
yo, can you hear me, hello?"  
DuFresne sighed as command's  
voice, a little unfamiliar to him,  
came over the radio.  
"Uh, roger that Command." he  
said, a little slowly.  
"Sorry 'bout that, I was in the  
elevator, this thing doesn't work so  
well in there. What's going on,  
dude?"  
"Roger tha," he stopped as the  
voice came more clear. This couldn't  
be blue command, could it? It was a  
different voice, yes, but he  
didn't remember this officer in  
charge when he'd been sent here.  
"Uh, is this blue command?" he  
asked tentatively.  
"Oh yeah, man, sure,  
totally! What's goin' on?" the  
officer asked, in a nonchalant  
tone.  
"You're sure? The blue command  
base?" DuFresne asked,  
confused.  
"Hey, dude. Take it easy.  
You called me, I didn't call  
you." the officer said, hostilely.  
"Naw, I know, it's just,"  
It's just, I didn't remember  
your voice, Du'Fresne didn't  
say the last bit, but he thought it.   
"It's just what, dude?"  
"Never mind. I'm just letting you  
know that I've reached Blood  
Gulch Outpost Alpha. I'm  
gonna make contact with the Blue  
Squad members." DuFresne  
reported.  
"Blood Gulch, huh? Alright,  
let me look here, let me see  
what it says," the officer said,  
beginning to thumb through some files,  
examining one after another, then tossing  
them aside. He murmured their names  
as he went along, "Blood  
Gulch, bleu bleaou bee ehl,  
bluoea ah, here we go, Blood  
Gulch, okay. Says here, you  
wanna make contact with Private  
Tucker, ask him about their wounded  
dude."  
Du'Fresne nodded in  
acknowledgement, but knew that the guy  
couldn't see him, so he responded,  
"Roger that. Any other orders?"  
"Anything else? Yeah okay,  
yeah, it says here whatever you do,  
don't," he stopped, "Oh.  
Okay, never mind dude, I'm not  
supposed to read you that part, okay,  
just uh, you'll be okay, just, uh, be  
very careful. That's all."  
"Great," DuFresne sighed  
in frustration.  
"Alright then. Well it's our  
goal here at Blue Base  
to provide excellent customer  
service, and I hope that I have done  
that today." The officer reported in  
an enthusiastic voice, though  
to Du'Fresne he sounded  
mechanical. "Uh, if you have any  
further questions about this radio  
transmission, you can just, um, you know  
call back, say "Dude, I've  
got some questions, what's goin' on."  
Over and out." The transmission  
from the radio went dead on the other  
line, and Du'Fresne cut his own  
radio off.  
"Okay," he started away from

the center of the canyon, toward what  
he suspected was the blue base.  
"Private Tucker."  
Three months had passed since  
the Reds and Blues had fought.  
Three months since Tex's  
death, since everything had happened,  
what with the rookies arriving,  
Church's death, and the thought of  
the AI that Tex had been bearing,  
had gone.  
It seemed like the perfect  
happy ending. But, Tucker would never  
forget the day that Caboose had  
said, "My name is,  
O'Malley."  
Church, Caboose, and Tucker  
stood by the blue base, Tucker  
aiming to get Church's attention.  
"Hey Church?" he asked  
tentatively. "We have a problem."  
"I am not your mother," Church  
stated, purposefully facing the  
opposite direction. "So don't  
come tattling to me every time one of you  
does something that the other one doesn't  
like."  
"I'm telling you, he's crazy.  
He keeps threatening me and talking  
in a scary voice." Tucker  
stated, indicating Caboose, who was  
still was leaning against the Blue Base  
wall.  
"No, I didn't." he  
remarked coolly.  
"Oh, so you're saying you  
didn't threaten to cut off my head  
and give it to Church as a birthday  
present?" Tucker badly wanted  
to say, jackass, or something along  
those lines, but he refrained from that,  
and instead, he glared at the rookie.  
"You know, I think you're taking  
my words a little out of context."  
Caboose countered, his nasily  
voice coming through the mouthpiece of  
his armor in an almost innocent  
reply.  
"What?" Tucker proclaimed,  
severely confused, "What context?"  
Church then turned to the two,  
but failed to notice the  
violet-armored soldier running  
up behind him. Neither did Caboose,  
or Tucker.  
"Listen, guys, this competition  
thing has got to stop, okay? I  
thought we'd established by now,"   
"Excuse me." the soldier  
started, clearing his throat.  
Rch did not turn when he  
replied, "Hey, pal? One  
second, okay? I'm in the  
middle of something here. Ah, loo,"  
Church turned himself slightly, almost  
impatient with this, "I thought we'd  
established by now, I don't like either  
of you, okay? So competing for my  
attention is not gonna do ya any  
good."  
"Excuse me." the soldier  
said again.  
"Okay. Yes. Hello.  
Who're you?" Church then turned,  
and looked at DuFresne.  
As Church turned away,  
Caboose addressed Tucker, and  
in an ominous voice, he said,  
"Don't ever be alone."   
"He's doing that thing again,"  
Tucker stated, looking down.   
"My name's DuFresne," the  
soldier, DuFresne, started.  
"Uh, are you Private Tucker?"  
"No, I am not Private  
Tucker. My name is Church."  
Church stated, a little frustrated with the  
simple mistake. He turned,  
and indicated Tucker, "This is  
Private Tucker."  
"Yo!" Tucker greeted. He  
seemed eager to get off of the  
subject of Caboose's "scary  
voice," and his strange behavior.  
"And our friend over there in regulation  
blue, that's Caboose. Or  
O'Malley, or whatever the hell  
he's callin' himself." Church  
introduced, pointing at Caboose.  
"Why did you introduce me  
second?" Caboose asked.  
"Because he hates you." Tucker  
proclaimed.  
"I received your call for a medic."  
DuFresne explained. He stood  
in front of two makeshift  
tombstones.  
"Medic? That was like three months  
ago." Caboose said.  
"Yeah, what'd you do? Crawl  
all the way here?" Tucker  
insulted.  
"I came as quickly as I could.  
Where's the patient?"  
"Well, she's about fifty yards  
behind you and six feet straight down."  
Church explained, indicating the  
tombstones, which DuFresne  
promptly turned toward.  
"Oh," he turned back to the  
blue team. "I'm sorry about your  
loss." he said.  
"What? Oh, yeah. Yeah,  
thanks, man, it was tough but, well,  
what're you gonna do," Church  
trailed off.  
"We didn't like her very much."  
Caboose said. "She was mean to other  
people." he whispered the latter part of  
this statement.  
"Who's in the other grave?"  
DuFresne asked curiously.  
"That's uh," Church looked down,  
"That's me. I'm in that grave."  
"Uh huh," DuFresne  
looked confusedly at Church. "Of  
course."  
"See, uh, he, got killed  
by this uh, crazy runaway tank."  
Caboose started to explain, doing  
his best.  
"Or by the idiot driving it."  
Tucker added.  
"Oh yeah, and then he became,  
uh, this really mean ghost, and uh,  
took over a Mexican robot's  
body, uh... oh! And then we had  
to uh, oh, yeah, that's right," he  
reminded himself of the events that had  
passed in the past three months,  
"We, uh, spray paint him, ah,  
to make him blue, and now he is  
alive again, and he is a bionic  
man, who, is blue."  
"Right, and it took us six weeks  
to get his Spanish setting turned  
off." Tucker agreed, adding a  
little to the story.  
A click, and then, Church  
spoke in a monotonous, Spanish  
voice, "No esta completamente  
apagado, pendejo."  
This translated to, "Not  
entirely turned off, moron."   
Seeing as the others did not  
completely understand this, or understand a  
single bit of Spanish, Tucker  
sighed, and started off, "I'll go  
get the Spanish dictionary."  
"Wait, so, no one here is  
hurt?" DuFresne looked at  
them in confusion.  
"No, we're fine. In fact,  
I feel better than ever. See  
now whenever these two idiots really  
start to bug me, I can always just

turn my ears off. Couldn't do that  
before." Church seemed to smile,  
glad with his recent discovery.  
"You said they were shorting out."  
Another click, and Church's  
voice was raised as he looked  
at Caboose, "I'm sorry,  
what was that Caboose? I can't  
hear you!" Church showed this as a  
demonstration of this discovery.  
"Well then let me just check you  
two out, and I'll be on my way."  
"Whoooa, check us out? Is this  
gonna be one of those things where I have  
to turn my head and cough?" Tucker  
asked, coming back empty-handed.  
DuFresne held out a medical  
scanning device, and looked from  
Caboose, to Tucker. "NO,  
I'm just gonna check your  
vitals." DuFresne explained.  
Caboose looked to Tucker  
competitively, "I bet I have  
better vitals than you!" then he  
looked at Church. "What's a  
vital?" he asked.  
Tucker, again, had the urge to throw  
an insult Caboose's way, but  
yet again, he refrained himself.  
But, neither did he, nor Church,  
respond to the question he asked.  
"On your way? I don't think  
so, bud. Aren't you here to join our  
squad?" Church asked.  
"No, I'm just here to help out with  
Tex, and then assist in the canyon  
as needed." DuFresne replied.  
"First of all, great job on the  
Tex thing. Mission accomplished."  
Church stated, "Secondly, the  
way that we need you to assist, is  
to help us kill all the Reds."  
"Well, even if my orders  
didn't prohibit me from doing that,  
I still wouldn't. I joined the army as  
a conscientious objector."  
"A conshe, who?" Tucker  
looked at DuFresne, then  
to Church, as if the team leader would  
explain what it meant. But,  
DuFresne responded instead.  
"I'm a pacifist."  
"You're a thing that babies suck  
on," Caboose said slowly.  
"No, dude, that's  
pedophile."  
"Tucker, I think he means a  
pacifier." Church corrected.  
"Oh yeah, right. Man, I was  
totally thinking about something else."  
Tucker looked down as the  
violet-armored soldier checked  
both his and Caboose's vital  
signs.  
"That's real classy, Tucker."  
Church commented.  
"Well, everyone here checks out."  
DuFresne held his medical  
scanner, and other medical gear, in  
both hands, having finished his scan  
of the two blue soldiers. "I'll  
come back and check on you before I  
leave the canyon. Can you tell me  
which way to the Red Base?"  
"Why? You said you weren't  
gonna fight them."  
"I'm not. Resources are low  
so I'm on loan to both armies  
to help whichever side needs me at  
the time." Tucker, and Church  
both shook their heads.  
"Man, that is so freakin'  
lame." the latter muttered. It  
seemed that the medical officer had not  
heard this comment.  
"I'm just gonna go to Red Base  
and see if they need any help."  
"Well, if you're gonna go up  
to Red Base, I'd recommend  
putting away that little medical thingy of  
yours." Church advised. "They see  
you walking up carrying that thing, they're  
gonna shoot it right out of your hand."  
As if on cue, a shot blew  
the medical device straight out of  
DuFresne's hands.  
"Yeah, just like that." Church  
commented. Then, a second shot  
streaked straight by both Church,  
and DuFresne.  
"Scatter!" Church cried as  
more shots streaked through the canyon's  
once-still air, coming from an armored  
jeep, known as the Warthog.  
In the center of the canyon of  
Blood Gulch, Sarge, and  
Private Donut, stood, the  
latter shooting from a sniper rifle.  
"Nice shot, cupcake."  
Sarge commented as he saw one of the  
shots Donut performed, nearly  
hitting one of the blue soldiers.  
"Thanks, Sarge!" Donut  
said.  
"Oh that's right, suck it,  
Blue!" Dick Simmons shouted  
from the mounted machine-gunner position  
on the newly restored Warthog.  
"Yeah, sneak attack!"  
Dexter Grif exclaimed, standing from  
his own seat in the driver's side.  
"Sit down, you dumb ass, I  
can't see." Simmons shouted to his  
teammate.  
"Hike up yer knickers,  
fellas." Sarge shouted to the group  
of red soldiers. "Let's go get  
'em!"  
The trio nodded, and prepared for  
an assault.


	2. Motion To Adjourn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fire fight is occurring outside of blue base, and the outcome is not what Church, nor Tucker, suspected it would be...

"Okay, Tucker, I need you  
to get up there, help Caboose  
shore up the defense, establish a  
suppressing fire, and hold that  
position until further notice."  
Tucker looked at Church as  
they both stood behind a rock.  
Caboose was somewhere else, but  
Church wasn't quite sure. But,  
meanwhile, Tucker was staring at  
Church blaankly, having not  
understood anything he'd said.   
"I didn't even know what half  
of that meant." he stated.  
"Just go over to Caboose's rock,  
and fire your gun a bunch." Church  
simplified.  
"That rock? Yeah, I don't  
think so." Tucker refused.  
"We do not have time to discuss this."  
Church exclaimed.  
"Sure, no time for you to discuss  
it. You get to hang out here with  
Nancy No-Bullets shootin'  
the breeze. Meanwhile, I'm out  
there, running around, eating a machine  
gun sandwich."  
"Tucker, we're gonna give  
you covering fire." Church argued.  
"Covering fire? Unless that means  
you're gonna build a huge,  
bullet-proof wall between me and them,  
I think you need to come up with a new  
plan. Preferably one that  
involves me keeping the same  
quantity of blood that I have right  
now."  
"No problem." Church stated  
immediately, then he hesitated, peering  
at Tucker curiously. "Oh  
wait wait, does the blood have  
to be in your body?"  
Tucker just stared at him.  
Meanwhile, in the center of the  
canyon, where the Reds were posing the  
assault, Grif and Simmons  
were firing their respective machine  
guns.  
"Simmmonns!" Grif called  
over the gunfire, his voice shaking  
as much as his hands, "I, I can'tt  
ffeeel my hands!"   
"Maybe you should lay off the  
trigger, you dumbass." Simmons  
suggested, his own hands not shaking and  
shuddering as violently as his friend's.  
"Alright you, Doc, get over there  
and help Caboose!" Church  
ordered, addressing DuFresne.  
"My name isn't Doc, it's  
DuFresne." he corrected  
coolly.  
"Yeah. I can't pronounce that,  
so from now on, your name is Doc."  
Church reasoned, still staring at him.  
"I'm not really comfortable with that."  
DuFresne, Doc, said. "I'm  
not a doctor, I'm a medic."  
"What's the difference?" Tucker  
asked, having not gone off as Church  
ordered.  
"Well, a doctor cures people.  
A medic just makes them more comfortable,"  
he paused. "While they die."   
"Mental note: don't ever get  
shot." Tucker grumbled.  
"It's settled then. Your name is  
now Doc."  
"Alright, but I don't think  
it'll stick."  
Tucker smiled in reassurance,  
looking around. "Oh, trust us,"  
he stated. "It'll stick."  
"Now get over to Caboose,  
and help him hold that positiondd0  
"I don't have a gun, I'm a  
pacifist."  
Church glared at him. This guy  
must have been looking for reasons not  
to help them out.  
"Well then just get over there and  
yell "bang bang bang!" a  
bunch!" Church argued.  
"Eh, I don't know. Even that  
sounds pretty aggressive."  
"Oh, come on." Tucker  
complained, looking at the medic.  
"Besides, I'm not supposed to get  
involved unless someone gets hurt."  
"Huh. I see. was Church  
said. An idea then occurred to him,  
and he raised his sniper rifle,  
zooming the scope in on Caboose,  
over behind his rock. Deliberately,  
in sight of his teammates, he lowered  
his finger to the trigger, and fired off  
one shot, shooting Caboose.  
Church would never admit to anyone, not  
even himself, that he felt good doing that.  
In a way, it was a way of getting  
payback for Caboose killing him  
those three months ago.  
"Ahow! My foot," Caboose  
crumpled to the ground, crying out in  
pain.  
"Well, looks like Caboose  
has hurt himself. Maybe you should  
get over there and help him, Doc."  
Church sneered, mocking the medical  
officer.  
"You know, you could have just asked  
nicely." Doc grumbled, and  
started off.  
"Ah crap, I'm out. Give  
me some ammunition, Grif.'"  
Simmons ordered, his gunfire  
ceasing.  
Grif only looked at him  
quizzically.  
"Me? I don't have any  
extra. I'm down to one bullet."  
"Wha," Simmons proclaimed  
in surprise, "How can that be?  
You're the one who carries all the  
extra rounds in to battle!"  
"Wait, since when?" Grif  
asked, glaring at Simmons.  
"Since the last staff meeting."  
"We actually talk about stuff  
in those things? I just fall asleep  
inside my helmet." Grif  
explained, looking over to Sarge, then  
to Simmons once more.  
"Well, you missed your job  
assignment, and now we have no  
ammo."  
"What's your job?" Grif  
asked, curiously.  
"Me? I'm the Social  
Chairman."  
Grif scoffed at this.  
"Grif." Sarge came over to the  
two. "Me and Treasurer Donut  
are empty. We need some clips."  
Simmons looked from Grif, to the  
rocks which the Blue soldiers were  
hiding behind. An idea came into his  
mind, and he took it, ready with a  
plan.  
"Hey Grif, you remember that  
one bullet you have left?" he asked  
Grif, smiling wickedly, "I  
thought of the perfect way you can use  
it."  
"I'm here Caboose, where're  
you hit?" Doc asked, coming to the  
crumpled blue soldier.  
"Ah, ow, ow, ow, my foot, my  
foot!" Caboose flinched as the  
pain rattled through him, over and over  
again.  
"The left foot?"  
"Ah, left. Let's see, that  
makes an L with this thumb and," he  
mumbled the latter part of this,  
unintelligbly.  
"I'm just gonna assume it's the  
bleeding one." Doc said.  
"Yeah, the red one. Aeh. I  
can't believe Church shot me."  
Caboose looked backward,  
toward where Church was concealed behind his  
own rock, along with Tucker.  
"Oh don't even start,  
Caboose!" Church's yell echoed  
across the distance between them.  
"Anything else?" Doc asked.  
"Uh, well wha," he asked,  
looking blankly at Doc.  
"You have a bullet wound in the  
foot. Is anything else wrong?"  
he asked impatiently.  
"Uh, oh! I got one. Uh,  
well, sometimes when I fall  
asleep at night I think about my  
parents having sex, and I get  
really really mad for some reason."  
Caboose smiled slightly as he  
said this.  
"Okay I'm just gonna start with the  
foot."  
"Okay."  
"Hey dude, why aren't the Reds  
firing?" Tucker asked as he  
watched the reds, who were conferring. But,  
he couldn't see much, especially with the  
angle he had.  
"I don't know, maybe they're  
outta ammo." Church suggested,  
thinking.  
"Hey, Blues!" Sarge's  
voice came echoing across the  
canyon. "We are giving you a chance  
to surrender!"  
Church blinked as he peered around  
the rock. He ducked back  
immediately, almost as if it were a blumf,  
he thought it would be.  
"Surrender?" he finally asked,  
looking to Tucker, then back out.  
The only question that ran through his mind  
after the first was: What are they  
talking about?!


	3. Red Vs. Bleu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sarge wants the Blues to surrender, and as Church suspected, because you all couldd tell it, the Reds were out of ammunition.

Church and Sarge stared at each  
other, the former coming out of concealment.  
"We are giving you a chance  
to surrender!" Sarge repeated.  
"There's no way this bluff is  
gonna work." Grif was aeaming his  
machine gun straight at Church.  
"Put a cork in it, Fast  
Eddie. There's positively no  
way they know we're outta ammo."  
Sarge smiled.  
Meanwhile, Church said  
to Tucker, "Yeah, they're  
definitely outta ammo," he then  
looked to Sarge, and placed a hand  
over his mouth magnifying his voice.  
"What're your terms?!"  
"Their what?"  
"Our what?"  
"I can't believe this is actually  
working." Simmons remarked,  
skeptical of the plan. "See if  
we can get Lopez back,  
Sarge."  
"Oh yeah. 'Cause then he can  
fix the Warthog."  
"Oo oo, Sarge, tell them  
we want the flag." Donut  
stated.  
"Yeah, and some cake!"  
"Ooh... Wait wait Sarge,  
just the cake."  
Sarge raised his voice to call  
to the Blues soldiers "Alright,  
Blues! First off! We want your  
flag," Sarge started.  
"Wait wait wait just a  
second. The last time we got the  
flag, the chick in the black armor  
showed up." Simmons reasoned,  
shrugging off the idea of taking the  
flag.  
"To stay right where it is! Keep  
the flag!" Sarge continued, "But we  
do want our mechanized droid guy  
back!"  
"Uh oh." Church grumbled.  
"You may know him as Señor El  
Roboto!"  
"Well, Church, what's it  
gonna be?"  
"Chingado," Church immediately  
refused, "No way. I'm not  
giving back my body. I just got  
this thing."  
"And don't think you can keep his  
nuts!" Sarge paused, looking  
to his soldiers, who blinked in  
confusion, at him. "Or bolts,  
or other mechanical parts you may  
have!"  
"Uh," Church fumbled for words,  
then started, with an idea. He  
looked at Tucker, and mouthed,  
play along. "Uh, he's not here  
any more!"  
"Yeah, he left! He was all  
like "Sayonara!" and then he just took  
off!" Tucker added.  
"That's not Spanish you idiot,  
that's French. Let's try this:  
Hey, Reds! How about a medic?!"  
Caboose, Tucker, Doc,  
and the Reds stopped in confusion. "Would  
you take a medic as a hostage?!"  
"A hostage? But I'm  
supposed to go over there." Doc  
protested, coming back over to the  
group.  
"Meh, that sounds pretty good  
to me."  
"I don't know, I think we  
can hold out for more." Grif said,  
doubtfully.  
"We don't have any bullets,  
dumbass." Simmons argued,  
glaring at the orange soldier.  
"Oh, right. Take the medic. The  
medic's a good deal." Grif  
agreed with the plan.  
"Hey, Doc. How's the  
patient?"  
Doc had finished making his way  
back to Church as he asked this question.  
"Doing well. He seems very  
alert and responsive." Doc  
reported.  
"He's talking about Caboose,  
right?"  
"No, I mean his toe. How's  
the toe I shot?" Church said,  
rephrasing the question.  
"What, oh, that thing? That fell  
off like half an hour ago."  
"Rest in peace, pinkie toe,"  
Caboose said slowly, and sadly,  
looking to the ground, which was bloody.  
Then, continuing, he said, "You shall be  
avenged!"  
"Tell you what," Doc started,  
looking out to the center of the canyon  
where the Red soldiers were still standing.  
"Go ahead and send me over. I  
really don't think I can be any more  
help."  
Church shrugged, then shouted out,  
"Okay! We're gonna send over  
our medic! Now what do we get?!"  
"You?! You're surrendering! You  
don't get anything except  
humiliation and ridicule!"  
Simmons shouted.  
"We've already got that! What  
else do you have?!" Tucker called.  
"What do you want?!" Sarge  
asked.  
"How about if you admit that the  
Red Team sucks?!" Church  
asked, looking to Tucker, who  
tilted his head.  
For a moment, the Reds conferred,  
and finally, Sarge's reply came,  
"What if we admit that one of us  
sucks?!"  
"NICE." Grif exclaimed,  
grinning, then he hesitated, asking  
slowly, "Wait, you mean Donut,  
right?"  
Time passed as they conferred, in  
reality, it was two full hours before  
everything was settled.  
"Okay then! We agree to the  
terms?! You first, and then we send  
over the medic!" Church shouted.  
"Get on with it, Grif."  
Sarge murmured to Grif.  
Grif stepped forward slowly,  
and grunted in a sigh as he began  
to speak aloud, for everyone in the  
canyon to hear.  
"I would just like to let everyone know,  
that I suck!" he started, looking  
from face to face, from his own team,  
to the Blues.  
"And?!" Church urged on.  
"And that I'm a girl!"  
"What else?"   
"And I like ribbons in my hair!  
And I want to kiss all the  
boys!" Grif looked down, his  
small speech finished.  
"This may be the best surrender of  
all time." Sarge mutted,  
refraining a bellow of a laugh.  
"Okay, is that good enough?!"  
Simmons called out.  
"Yeah!" Church acknowledged,  
then he turned to Doc. "Alright,  
go ahead Doc."  
Doc walked over to the Reds  
in the middle of the canyon. "Man,  
I really hope you're worth this."  
Grif mumbled.  
"Can I ask you a question? Do they  
put something in the water here?"  
Doc asked the team.  
"Water?" Grif asked, tilting  
his head. "We ran outta water  
six months ago."  
"No water. Then what do you  
drink?"  
"Uh, you know, ketchup, uh,  
soy sauce, gravy, the usual."  
"I only drink the blood of  
my enemies." Sarge added as the  
group started back for Red Base  
on the opposite side of the  
canyon.


	4. The Joy Of Toggling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that Doc's been transferred to the Red army, something odd is going to happen... and, you all were waiting for this famous quote: "Tucker did it!"

"So he was shot in the head,"  
Doc spoke as he, Grif, and the  
rest of the Red team walked back  
to Red base. Grif had been  
explaining his way of saving Sarge.  
"Right." he agreed.  
"And you gave him CPR," Doc  
said, "For a bullet wound in the  
head."  
"Exactly." Grif confirmed.  
"Yeah, I think that's a  
perfectly acceptable treatment."  
"That's what I said."  
"Oh yeah, people often overlook  
alternative methods of care. Like  
that Blue guy that was shot in the foot  
during the battle? All I did  
was rub his neck with some aloe vera,  
and he was fine." Doc explained.  
"Yeah, I don't know about all  
that. I'm just glad that Sarge is  
wrong." Grif admitted.  
They had come to the base, and Grif  
took Doc to the lower areas of the  
base.  
"Grif! You're supposed to be  
watching the prisoner, not playing  
lookie-loo with him all day long!"  
Sarge shouted down to him.  
"Come on Sarge, he doesn't  
even have a gun." Grif called  
up.  
"Oh, well you two will be great  
friends then. He doesn't have a gun,  
and you didn't bring any ammo!"  
Simmons taunted.  
"Hey thanks, kiss-ass.  
If I wanna take guarding tips  
from the guy that lost our last  
prisoner, I'll be sure to ask  
you." Grif countered.  
"Oh man, that is a burn.  
Dude, you just got burned.  
Burned, dude, burned." Donut  
bragged, grinning from ear to ear.  
"Oh shut up, your armor's  
pink." Simmons muttered.  
"Uh, hey, guys?" Doc  
started. "I, I just want  
everybody to know that Grif and I  
aren't, uh, technically friends," he  
looked tentatively at Grif,  
who started to star at him with an icy  
glare. "Uh, we're just talking.  
That's it."  
Grif looked at him, staying  
silent.  
"Sorry, man, but it's pretty  
obvious that you're really unpopular,  
and if I'm gonna make any  
progress around here at all I  
can't really be directly  
associated with you. I'm sure you  
understand."  
Grif just stared at him.  
"It's only because no one likes  
you."  
No response.  
"Stop staring at me."  
"Hey Church," Tucker walked  
up to his Blue teammate slowly,  
coming up behind the Blue base. He  
waited for Church to turn his attention  
to him before continuing, "If your body  
is the Red Team's old droid, and  
droids usually fix stuff, can't you  
just activate your repair sequence  
and fix Sheila?"  
The two looked out over Blood  
Gulch, and spotted the tank, still  
damaged. Nobody had kothered with  
taking the tank back to the Blue  
base after Tex was thrown from the  
driver's canopy. After she was  
killed thre months ago.  
"Huh." Church mused,  
"Well, yeah it's worth a shot,  
I guess." he cleared his throat.  
"Alright. Stand back."  
Church grunted, and heaved,  
attempting to activate different  
things, and finally, he sighed.  
"Anything?" Tucker asked.  
"Yeah, it's not as easy as you'd  
think it would be." Church panted,  
examining different screens, and  
functions in the robot's suit.  
"Maybe there's a button on  
you somewhere," Tucker pondered the  
idea.  
"See what you can find. I'll  
keep trying from in here," Church  
ordered, and Tucker did so.  
Then, after a large heave, Church  
exclaimed, "Oh! Hey!"  
"Found it?" Tucker looked up  
after examining different panels on  
Church's temporary armor.  
"Nah, no wait. All I  
found was the time and temperature  
function." he said, dismayed, then,  
more intrigued, he stated, "It is  
currently twenty-six degrees,  
by the way."  
"What? It's not twenty-six  
degrees out here, that's freezing."  
Tucker objected.  
"Celsius, Tucker." Church  
explained. Neither noticed a  
figure that looked similar  
to Caboose, entering the Blue  
base.  
"Oh come on, dude, Celsius  
sucks." he kneeled down in  
front of his teammate in the robotic  
armor. Then, something caught his eye,  
"Hey, I found something."  
"Oh yeah?" Church asked. "You  
found a button?"  
Tucker took a closer look at  
what he had found. "Naw dude,  
it's," he paused, then  
scanned it, "More like a switch."  
"Well, give it a flip."  
Church urged him.  
"I don't wanna flip it."  
Tucker complained, standing.  
"What's the problem?"  
"It's in a weird place."  
Tucker looked at his teammateou  
"Oh you've gotta be kidding  
me."  
"You flip it." Tucker motioned  
to Church.  
"These arms aren't that flexible, I  
can't even reach down there." Tucker  
thought of many insulting taunts he  
could have said, but he refrained,  
shrugging. He knew without a doubt  
it would have been easier if Church could  
have flipped the switch himself.  
After a moment, he blinked, then  
looked to Blue base. An idea  
popped into his head, "What about  
Caboose?"  
"Oh man, he's so stupid, I  
don't even know if he knows how  
to operate a switch." Church  
grunted.  
"Oh man."  
"Oh, come o, Tucker, come  
on." Church had to refrain from  
lau. "We'll laugh about it later.  
I'll buy you dinner."  
Tucker sighed, after a moment of  
pondering, and kneeled down once  
again. He flipped the switch.  
Or, at least, he tried to.  
"It won't move, it's stuck."  
"Did you try wiggling it?"  
Church asked, smiling slightly.  
"No way, I'm not wiggling your  
dongle." Tucker refused this,  
shaking his head.  
"Oh, stop being a baby. Just  
wiggle it."  
Tucker took a moment, and just as  
he was about to wiggle the switch, just as  
he was told to.  
"So, you from around here, baby?"  
Church asked, grinning.  
"Okay look," Tucker stood.  
"If you want me to do this, you can't  
talk like that." he scolded his  
teammate.  
"Alright alright alright alright,"  
Tucker could tell that Church would have  
been raising his arms above his head in  
surrender. "I'm sorry, I'm just  
kidding, I'm just kidding."  
"I wish Tex was here, she  
wouldn't have any problem flipping it."  
"You obviously did not know Tex  
that well." Church replied.  
Tucker kneeled down one final  
time. This time, when he flipped the  
switch clicked.  
"There! Anything?" Tucker  
asked.  
"Nope. Nothin'." Church  
took a moment to listen, and look  
around for functions inside the armor  
he wore. Finally, a fain beeping  
came to his ears.  
"That's kinda weird." he blinked,  
yet, the beeping remained, "Do you  
hear something beeping?"  
At Red base, Sarge looked  
to his team of red soldiers. "Are  
there any ideas on what to do with the  
prisoner?" he asked the group  
at large.  
"Well, we have to get him away  
from Grif, because, yeah, you know, it's  
kinda cruel and unusual to have  
to talk to him." Simmons advised.  
The group did not notice the faint  
beeping that came from somewhere  
currently unknown.  
"How 'bout we, um, let him  
trade armor with uh, one of us? That  
would show him." Donut suggested.  
The next thing to show was the  
headlights of the Warthog turning  
on and off, flashing in time with the faint  
beeping.  
In a warbled, slurred voice, the  
Warthog could faintly be heard  
saying, "Warthog online."  
The headlights flash one final  
time, and when they cycle to being on,  
they remained so.  
"Homing beacon activated."  
"Sarge," Donut started  
tentatively, looking to the car.  
"D-D-Did the car just talk?"  
Sarge blinked as the Warthog  
sat a few feet away, almost  
looking predatory, as if it were a  
cat of some sort.  
All Sarge could manage to say  
was, "Uh oh."


	5. Sweet Ride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "This beeping is going to drive me cray! Going to drive me crazy! Drive me crazy..." It's still Tucker's fault for tinkering with a switch that he did not know the function of. The only good part is: They could have this all done so easily! Elíminate the Reds, and they win...

The Warthog had turned to face  
the Reds, and Doc, its headlights  
still on. The turret mounted on the  
car was not specifically aimed, yet.  
"Okay, I get it." Simmons  
started after a short, urgent  
explanation from Sarge. "You built  
a remote control for the jeep  
into Lopez."  
"Yep. But there's no way  
anyone could have found out how to turn it  
on." Sarge assured them.  
But, Simmons refrained from  
pointing out that, obviously, someone  
had found a way to activate it.  
"I hid it in a place no one  
would ever look. Unless," Sarge  
turned to Donut. "Hey,  
Pretty-in-Pink, were you messin'  
with my robot?"  
"What're you asking me for?"  
Donut asked, looking confused, from  
the jeep, to Sarge, then back again.  
"So someone else controls the  
jeep right now? And the big gun  
attached to it?" Grif asked, as if  
to assure this was not a dream, or a  
nightmare.  
"Oh, get a pair, you bunch  
o' Barbies. Even if they've  
figured out how to turn it on,  
they'd never know the set of code words  
to control it. Only me and my diary  
know that." Sarge seemed to pat his  
armor affectionately, as if he  
carried said object with him.  
Simmons was not reassured by this.  
He would have to see it to believe it.  
In the meantime, Church, Tucker,  
and Caboose stood atop the Blue  
base, and the only one to hear the  
faint beeping was Church.  
"There, you hear that?" he asked as  
another beep came, then another,  
and another.  
"Is it like a screaming, high  
pitched whistling noise followed by a  
series of random clicks?" Tucker  
asked.  
"No, it's just like this constant  
"beep beep beep" noise."  
Church explained.  
"Oh. Then no, I don't  
hear anything."  
"Do you eh," Church paused, then  
he blinked, "Wait, do you actually  
hear a series of whistling noises  
followed by some random clicks?"  
Church asked, almost trying to assure  
that he was not crazy.  
"No, I was just tryin' to be  
helpful." Tucker admitted  
reluctantly.  
"Yeah, well, you're failing."  
Caboose spoke up, his voice  
a little confused, "All I hear is  
that voice, you know, telling us to kill  
all of our friends before they have a chance  
to kill us."  
Both Caboose, and Tucker,  
both looked at him, very confused.  
"Wait, you guys don't hear  
that?" Caboose asked softly.  
"Oh man, I can't take this  
any more." Church stated, irritation  
evident in his voice, "Tucker,  
you're gonna have to do something, man, this  
beeping is going to drive me  
crazy."  
The Warthog emitted a series  
of beeps, and acknowledged an  
order, which seemed to be more of an  
accident.  
"Drive."  
At Red base, with the Warthog  
on the move, Sarge blinked.  
"Jumpin' Jehozafats, they've  
cracked the code. Those dern  
windtalkers!"  
The Warthog raced forward,  
slamming into Doc. Promptly,  
Doc was flung into the driver's  
seat, screaming as the jeep drove  
off.  
"Hey, he's taking the jeep!"  
Donut exclaimed.   
"Help, this jeep is kidnapping  
me!" Doc's voice could be heard,  
only, not by Donut.  
"Now he's taunting us. This is  
just embarassing." Donut also did not  
notice Doc, flailing his arms  
wildly, unable to control the  
Warthog.  
"Hey, Sarge, new rule."  
Simmos advised. "How about we  
just don't take any more prisoners,  
since we seem to suck at it."  
At Blue base, Caboose  
knelt down beside Church, looking  
for the same switch Tucker had  
flipped. Tucer was sure he'd  
never go near that switch again, ever.  
"I see a switch down here."  
Caboose reported, coming across the  
switch, "It's not very big." he  
whispered the latter part of this.  
"Oh yeah, that's it. Just flip  
it." Tucker commanded.  
"Wait, stop."  
None of the Blues noticed the  
Warthog, out in the center of the  
canyon, its voice just out of  
range, but saying, "Stop." taking  
it as a command. The Warthog stopped  
moving, just sitting in the middle of  
Blood Gulch.  
"Caboose, do you know how to work a  
switch?" Church asked.  
Caboose looked up at him  
blankly. "Alright. Here's a  
full tutorial then." Church  
interrupted his monotonous mutter  
of confusion. "The switch is pointed  
in one direction, just turn it around so  
that it's pointed in the other  
direction."  
In the middle of the canyon, the  
Warthog stated, "Turn around."  
and began to do so, rotating slowly.  
Caboose's hand touched the  
switch, and as he flipped it, a  
metallic sound was heard, then his  
proclamation of, "Oops." the sound  
of electricity was then heard. "It  
broke itself."  
"Ugh!" Church grunted.  
The Warthog's rotation finished,  
and it, and the gun mounted on it, were  
both facing the Red soldiers.  
"Oh man, what now?" Doc  
asked in confusion.  
"That does not look good. Nice  
kitty, nice kitty." Grif  
willed the Warthog to back off,  
not to shoot him, as it intended.  
Donut was backing away very  
slowly.  
"Okay, I see two wires  
down here. One's green, the other  
one's red." Tucker informed, both  
himself and Caboose kneeling beside  
Church.  
"What about the blue one?"  
Caboose asked.  
"That's your thumb, idiot."  
Tucker remarked simply.  
"Come on, guys, just grab  
whichever one goes to the switch,  
yank it out." Church ordered.  
"Eh, I can't tell which one  
goes over there."  
"Then just yank 'em both."  
Church commanded.  
Caboose stood, and loChurch,  
saying, "Church, if we pick the  
wrong one," he lowered his voice as  
he finished. "You could explode."  
"I don't care, look, just  
follow the red one."  
"Acquire target: red." the  
Warthog acknowledged.  
"Uh, Sarge, you," Grif looked  
at Sarge, "You may wanna start  
running."  
Grif watched as Simmons and  
Donut backed away.  
"Now." he stated, backing away  
himself.  
"Ahhhhh fudge pumps."  
Sarge replied, sighing in  
resignation.  
"Okay, I see what's going  
on here. The red one goes close  
to the switch, and the green one goes  
eugh, someplace else." Caboose  
informed, kneeling once more.  
"Fine, just pull it. Take out  
the red one."  
Meanwhile, the Warthog slammed  
into Sarge, pinning him against the wall  
of Red base.  
"Oh, I'm pinned!" he

exclaimed.  
"Eliminate red target." the  
Warthog stated.   
The turret began to fire, and  
swivel around, lowering to shoot for  
Sarge's head. It seemed to be  
moving dramatically slow.  
"You're gonna kill him!"  
Grif called, though, he knew that  
would not be of any help.  
"What a way to go." Sarge  
muttered, almost sadly. "Killed  
by my own mechanical creations.  
I'm sure there's a  
philosophical lesson to be  
learned from all this."  
"Something about the dangers of  
technology and the unwavering pride of  
mankind?" Simmons asked.  
"No!" Sarge cried. "Something  
about hiring better help that doesn't  
just stand around watching you die!"


	6. Last Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry Sarge, you're not getting what you thought you were getting. Not today. Meanwhile, Tucker's in the most embarrassing position a man can be caug in, with another man, mind you.

Sarge stood, with no where to go.  
He was pinned against the wall of Red  
base, the turret of the Warthog  
slowly, very dramatically, swiveled  
toward his head, its firing constant,  
a constant reminder of Sarge's  
imminent demise.  
The group of Red soldiers,  
Grif, Simmons, and Donut,  
all looked at him silently.  
Doc, on the other hand, sat in the  
driver's seat of the Warthog,  
unsure of what he should do. Not  
sure he could do anything, actually.

"Okay, we gotta do something here  
guys." Simmons stated, slowly.  
"You're right." Donut agreed,  
"I got dibs on Sarge's  
armor."  
"Okay, Church, you ready?  
I'm gonna yank the wire."  
Tucker still knelt in front of  
Church, his hand gently resting on the  
red wire.  
"Grif," Sarge looked to the  
soldier clad in orange. "If  
you see Lopez, tell him I  
forgive him. Tell him," Sarge  
paused. "He was like a son to me."  
Sarge sounded like tears were brimming  
at the edge of his eyes.  
"I thought Simmons was like a  
son to you?" Grif stated.  
"No offense, Simmons.  
Lopez and I just, understood each  
other better." Sarge sighed, his  
voice calm as he stated this.  
"Understood? He refused  
to speak English!" Simmons  
proclaimed.  
"Yeah, and he ran away the first  
chance he got."  
"And now he's trying to kill you  
with a remote control jeep." both  
Simmons and Grif reasoned.  
"Ahhhh, what a little rascal."  
"Alright, here goes nothin'.  
One," Tucker took one deep  
breath. "Two," another deep  
breath. "Three!"  
The beeping seemed to subside,  
almost a throbbing in Church's head, and  
when it stopped, he nearly whooped  
with joy. A static sound came to their  
ears, an after effect of the wire being  
pulled.

"Oh god, yes! Finally! Some  
freakin' peace and quiet!" Church  
emclaimed. "I thought that was gonna  
drive me nuts!"  
After a moment, he looked at  
Tucker, then Caboose. He  
attempted to move. And again. But,  
his legs would not move.  
"Hey. Why can't I move my  
legs?" Church asked, glaring at his  
teammates.  
The Warthog emitted another  
series of beeps, the final set,  
and, in a slowing voice it said,  
"Signal lost."  
"Wow, that was a close one. Are  
you okay, Sarge?" Grif asked as  
the Warthog shut down.  
"Ah, horse puckey, I'm  
fine. Although I do have to admit,  
maybe a little bit disappointed."  
Sarge stated, sighing.  
"It's okay, sir. I know that  
you said a lot of things that you didn't  
mean. People say crazy stuff when  
they're faced with their own  
mortality." Simmons said.  
"It's not that. I just felt like I  
could have taken him."  
"Taken who? The machine gun?"  
Grif asked.  
"Oh he was a worthy opponent  
to be sure, but right at the end there he  
was beginning to show signs of weakness.  
Cracks in the armor, if you will."  
"What? You can't fight a machine  
gun." Grif continued.  
"Yeah, Sarge. I know you're  
tough and all, but it is kinda hard  
to beat up hundreds of armor piercing  
bullets using only your face."  
"And yet, he surrendered."  
Sarge reasoned.  
"Guys, guys, it's okay,  
I've seen this before. Sarge just lived  
through a very traumatic ordeal. We  
all have ways of coping with the stress."  
Doc called from the driver's seat  
of the Warthog.  
"Oh yeah? How do you deal with  
it?"  
"Oh I have my own system that  
works pretty well for me. By the  
way, the driver seat of the jeep is  
gonna need a thorough cleaning."  
he stated the latter part of this with an  
embarrassed smile.  
"This is great, this is just great!  
Thanks a lot, Caboose. Now  
what am I supposed to do? My  
lower half is damaged." Church  
chastized Caboose.  
Caboose looked at him.  
"Why don't you try walking it  
off?" Caboose suggested.  
"I can't use my legs,  
moron." Church insulted.  
"Oh, I see. Have you tried  
running?"  
Church just glared at Caboose.  
"This doesn't seem like that big a  
deal. You hardly ever used your legs  
before anyway. I've never heard of a  
grown man asking for so many  
piggy-back rides." Tucker  
grinned.  
"Hey, I already told you: that was  
for science." Church explained.  
"Why don't you just try walking  
on your hands? Then you could use your  
feet for high fiiiiives, and   
eatin' sandwicheeeees, and, you know,  
the important stuff." Caboose  
gestured around with his hands as he  
spoke.  
"Hey, Doc, although I'm  
sure Sarge enjoys having his spine  
pulverized into dust, maybe you should go  
ahead and back up the Warthog."  
Simmons suggested.   
"Oh, right. Sorry." Doc  
said, beginning to drive, accidentally  
driving forward instead, hitting Sarge  
again.  
"Oh, hot buttered lug  
nuts!" Sarge exclaimed.  
"Ooo, geez, I'm really  
sorry. I, I just was in the wrong  
gear, let me just'," he accidentally  
did it again.  
"Yoh, geez! There goes mah  
last kidney! I was saving that one  
for a special occasion."  
"Third time's a charm?" Doc  
asked, slowly.  
"I don't think so,  
Poindexter. Outta the jeep now!"  
Simmons ordered.  
"I'm really sorry guys. I was  
only trying to help. Really!"  
Doc protested.  
"Oh, is that all? I for one was  
totally confused. I thought you were  
savagely trying to kill our  
sergeant by ramming him over and over  
with a six thousand pound steel death  
machine. Now that we know that you're just  
trying to help, by all means, please  
continue." Grif said, sarcasm  
dripping in his voice.  
Doc took a moment to process  
this, and finally, he asked, more out of  
curiosity. "Really?"  
"Get out!" both Grif and  
Simmons exclaimed.  
Tucker kneeled before Church  
again, something he would never forget,  
due to the fact that he was not accustomed  
to kneeling before men.  
"Well just start reattaching  
wires, I'll tell you when I  
feel something." Church said.  
Tucker refrained from telling  
Church that he was not a professional  
mechanic.  
"What about that? Do you feel that,  
Church?" Tucker banged on  
Church's metal leg.  
"No, what're you doing? I  
don't feel anything."  
"Oh, Church?" Caboose  
chimed in, "You know, I was thinkin'.  
Uh yih yih ya know, when you, when  
you eat ice cream too fast sometimes  
and it hurts your brain?" Caboose  
None of the Blues noticed the  
Red soldiers approaching the base.  
"Hey, Caboose?" Church  
asked, "Yeah. Shut up." he  
ordered harshly.  
"Um, Church?" he asked. "I  
think that you should know that the Reds are,"  
"Dammit, Caboose!" Church  
exclaimed, interrupting Caboose,  
who actually had valuable information.  
"In the short time I've known you,  
you've managed to call my girlfriend  
a slut, blow me up with a tank,  
shoot me in the head, and now  
paralyze me from the waist down! So  
I hope it's not too much for me  
to ask, just for once, if you'd shut  
yer freakin' mouth!"  
"Hey, Blues, we're here  
to," Simmons came around the  
base, leading Doc. He stopped  
in his tracks when he saw the  
position that Tucker was in, something  
that Tucker did not want to ever be  
caught doing. "What the hell are  
you guys doing?!"  
Under his breath, Church swore his  
worst at the Red soldier, and for the  
first time, he wished Caboose had  
been more useful.


	7. Nobody Likes You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simmons is correct in asking: What are the Blue soldiers doing?

Simmons looked at the Blue  
soldiers, whom were standing atop their  
base.  
"What the hell are you guys  
doing?!"  
Tucker stood, and peered over  
the side, as if to confirm.  
"Aw crap, the Reds are here."  
"What? Caboose, why didn't  
you say anything?" Church chastised  
Caboose, who just remained silent.  
"Hey. One of you guys turn me  
around. I still can't move my legs."  
Tucker turned Church around,  
being sure to face him away from the  
Reds.  
"What were you doing down there?"  
Grif asked in confusion.  
"Nothing. What're you talking  
about?" Tucker asked.  
"We were just playing a game!"  
Caboose called.   
"Hey, Caboose, we'll  
handle this." Church said.  
"What in the hell is going on  
at this base?" Grif asked.  
"I told you these guys are  
weird." Doc mouthed.  
"Whaddaya want, Reds? Get  
outta here or we'll start shootin'  
at ya!" Church called, not  
turning.  
"Oh yeah? You care to make that  
threat to my face?" Grif  
challenged.  
"Uhgh, no." Church failed  
to turn around, despite his want  
to do so.  
"Yeah I didn't think so.  
Punk." Grif muttered.  
"Whoa whoa whoa, calm down  
guys." Simmons eased. "We  
didn't come here to fight. We just  
came to give back the prisoner."  
"Give him back? You can't  
give him back, you took him, a  
deal's a deal." Tucker  
protested.  
"Yeah, well forget it. We  
don't want him." Grif replied  
harshly.  
"Well, sorry, you can't have  
another prisoner. That was our last  
one." Church called.  
"Hey, dude, what is your  
problem?"  
"Didn't your mama ever tell  
you it's impolite not to look at  
someone when you're talking to them?"  
"He's shy!" Caboose, who  
was fiddling with God only knew  
what, called.  
"Shut up." Church told  
Caboose, then, addressing the  
Reds, still without turning, he said,  
"Look, we don't want him  
back, and we don't care what you do  
with him. Now if you don't mind,  
we'd appreciate if you'd leave  
us alone. We're in the middle of  
somethin' kinda private over here."  
"That's sad. He is shy."  
Grif leered at Church's back.  
"Fine, but don't come asking for  
him back later." Simmons said.  
"We won't." Tucker assured  
him as Grif and Doc started back  
to Red base.  
"Last chance." he called over  
his shoulder.  
"Beat it, Reds!"  
"Alright, we're goin', we're  
goin'!" Grif exclaimed.  
"Man, I thought our team was  
obnoxious, but those guys are really  
rude." Grif exclaimed as the  
trio assembled once more, on a  
hill away from the Blue base.  
"Whoa, wai, hey, whoa, where do  
you think you're goin'?" Simmons  
asked as Doc started for the Red  
base.  
He stopped, and turned to reply,  
"Back to base with you guys. They  
don't want me over there."  
"Heh, yeah, I don't think  
so." Grif replied.  
"What? You're not just gonna  
leave me out here in the middle of  
nowhere, by myself?" he asked, his gaze  
flitting from one soldier to the other.  
"Yeah. That's kinda the general  
idea." Simmons confirmed.  
"Not you too, right, Grif?  
Old buddy? Huh?" Doc looked  
to Grif innocently, but it did not  
work for him.  
"Sorry, it's pretty clear that  
you're not very popular around here, and if  
I'm gonna make any progress  
at all, I can't be directly  
associated with you. I'm sure you  
understand." Grif mocked, sneering  
at Doc.  
Doc did not respond as the Red  
soldiers departed, just leaving him out  
in the middle of the canyon.  
"What's going on? Are they  
there? Did they leave? Hey,  
somebody tell me what's  
happening!" Church exclaimed, still  
turned away from the edge of the Blue  
base.  
"I don't know, I can't really  
see too clearly. I bet I  
could see better if I had that  
sniper rifle," Tucker mused.  
"Uh, Tucker, you might wanna  
look behind you." Church observed.  
Standing behind them, Caboose held  
the sniper rifle which Tucker wished  
he could use.  
"Mother fucker!" he hissed.  
"Uh, ooo Church, Church!  
Okay, I, I see something,"  
Caboose observed, obviously  
thankful for the attention, the  
opportunity to speak, to try and be  
informative. "Okay, uh the two  
red ones are walking away, uhhh,  
but the purple one is," he paused.   
"I think he's going  
to attack."  
"Purple? Oh wait, the  
purple guy's that worthless medic."  
"He's not gonna attack,  
he's a pussy fest." Tucker  
agreed.  
"Pacifist." Church  
corrected.  
"Ahhh, whatever, let's tie  
him up and roll him through the  
teleporter." Tucker smiled at  
the idea.  
"Wait a second, wait a  
second, think about this for a minute.  
Why would the Reds leave him out there  
by himself? This has to be some kind of  
trick." Church reasoned.  
"I'll bet they've used some  
kind of brain washing technique on  
him. They're, they're probably  
planning to have him do all their dirty  
plans, and also the schemes!"  
Caboose trailed off, letting the  
thoughts hang between the trio.  
"Caboose, that is  
ridiculous." Tucker remarked,  
brushing the idea off.  
"Is it? Or is it so  
ridiculous," Caboose zoomed  
the sniper's scope in on  
Tucker's face. "It's the most  
ridiculously perfect idea that you  
never thought of?"  
"No, just the regular kinda  
ridiculous." Tucker confirmed.  
"Well just keep your eye on  
him. We'll know it's a trick  
if he tries to get into our base."  
Church said.  
Not a moment later, Doc's  
voice came to them.  
"Hey, guys, uh, do you think  
I could come and hang out at your base  
for a while?"  
"I knew it!" Caboose  
exclaimed in triumph. "We're  
all gonna die!"  
The sniper rifle aims straight  
for the back of Tucker's head.  
"Starting with you."  
"Sorry, but we're kinda busy  
here. So go away, or something."  
Tucker, whom hadn't even heard  
the words, called out to Doc.  
"Normally I wouldn't impose,  
it's just that I don't know the  
neighborhood too well, and," he  
started to say.  
"Listen, Doc, you're not fooling  
anybody with that innocent victim  
routine."  
"Hey, uh, I could help! I  
know more than just medicine! I'm  
trained in psychology too.  
Maybe I could help you with your  
problem facing people!" Doc called  
up.  
Church groaned in exasperation.  
"Just, get outta here! And tell  
your buddies the Reds that their little  
"plan" failed." Church finally  
called.  
"Well this is just great. I can't  
believe I failed outta medical  
school for this." Doc replied,  
sighing as he walked back into the  
center of the canyon.


	8. Nine Tenths Of the Law

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saddle up, and get ready to rope some blue steer!

Donut and Sarge sat atop  
Red base, watching over the  
canyon in all its boredom.   
"So, just you and me hanging out at the  
base today, huh Sarge! This is  
new." Donut said, a smile  
quirking at his lips. He had  
only said something to break the silence that  
had fallen over the two after Grif,  
Simmons, and Doc had left?  
"I notice you use a shotgun.  
That's cool. I just use this pistol.  
It works for me."  
Donut whistled, as if to pass  
time, "So, you think the guys will be  
back soon? What do you think  
they're up to? Do you think they  
stopped at the store?"  
Sarge sat silently, not  
answering any of his comments, or questions.  
"I noticed we were getting  
pre-tty low on elbow grease."  
Sarge did not respond.  
After another silence, Donut  
finally asked, "When you die, can I  
have your armor?"  
"Hey, we're back!" came  
Simmons's voice, breaking the  
tension that had started to build.  
Simmons came running up the  
ramp, and both he and Sarge  
turned.  
"Oh man, am I glad to see  
you guys! Sarge would not stop  
talking. Seriously." Donut  
exaggerated, knowing this was not true.  
"Grif, Simmons, were you able  
to work out a suitable exchange?"  
Sarge asked, immediately getting  
to the point.  
Simmons sighed as his orange  
teammate came running up the  
ramp, coming to stand next to him.  
"Uhh, not exactly sir."  
Simmons explained, "You see,  
when we showed up the Blues were doing  
something, REALLY weird and then w,"  
"Really weird! And they were  
rude!" Grif interrupted.  
"Hey dumbass, I thought we  
agreed I was gonna tell the  
story.  
"Excuse me! Go ahead!"  
Grif said, half-heartedly.  
"Well you see, the Blue guys  
were really weird. And not just normal  
weird, really weird." Simmons  
explained.  
"You're not telling it right."  
Grif observed.  
"Okay, fine, how do you  
remember it?" Simmons countered.  
"Well, I remember we  
agreed that you're a kiss-ass. I  
got fuzzy on the rest of the  
details." Grif remarked,  
smirking at Simmons.  
"ANYWAY, they didn't want  
the prisoner back, sir."  
Simmons said after a moment.  
"Why those cunning, blue  
devils! Does their treachery know  
no bounds?" Sarge asked, growling.  
"It wasn't a total loss,  
sir. I was able to steal his wallet."  
Grif exclaimed, almost asking for  
attention.  
"Grif, I may just make a  
respectable soldier outta you  
yet." Sarge said.  
"Really, sir?" Grif asked,  
almost perking up.  
"Hell no! Now leave the money  
on my nightstand and get back  
to work!" Sarge commanded.  
"Alright Tucker, what the hell  
are we gonna do, man? I gotta  
get my legs working, here."  
Church still stood atop the Blue  
base, Tucker next to him, and  
Caboose, somewhere.  
"I don't know, but I can't just  
keep pulling wires down there. I  
think we should call in a  
professional. Maybe someone who  
can fix Sheila too." Tucker  
suggested.  
"Okay, great idea, but the only  
two people that can do that are Senior El  
Roboto and Tex." Church stated.  
"Hmm, Tex can be kinda har  
to work with." Caboose stated, coming  
next to them.  
"Yeah, dead people usually are."  
Tucker agreed.  
"Quite frankly, Tucker, I  
find your attitude offensive."  
"What about that Lopez person?  
Is he available?" Caboose  
asked.  
"No. I'm in his body,  
remember?"  
"Well," Caboose started.  
"Why don't you just leave his body,  
and then Tucker and I will make him  
fix you and my girlfriend!"  
"Girlfriend?" Tucker blinked.  
"What're you, a retard?"  
Church asked. Caboose seemed  
to flush at that.  
"I, I mean uh, Tucker and  
I will make him fix you, and ah, the  
beautiful tank lady means nothing  
to me, uh then we can get you back in  
his body when he is done."  
"I'm confused. That actually  
seems like a good idea." Tucker  
stated, looking at Caboose,  
letting the idea sink into his mind.  
"I know," Church agreed.  
"But Caboose said it."  
"I know!"  
Tucker looked at Church, then  
Caboose, and hit Church with the  
end of his pistol.  
"Ow! What the hell was that for?!"  
"I don't know, I thought  
maybe I was dreaming. So I  
punched you in the face to make sure  
I wasn't." Tucker explained.  
"Tucker, when you think you're  
dreaming, you don't punch somebody  
else, you get somebody else to pinch  
you!" Church scolded.  
"Dude, it doesn't matter  
what kind of dream I'm having, I  
am not going to ask you to pinch me."  
Tucker remarked.  
"If you dented my forehead,  
Tucker, I'm going to be pissed!"  
Tucker shook his head in confusion.  
Yeah, yeah, yeah," he grumbled.  
"Let's try this. I'll jump  
outta Lopez's body real quick,  
you two just watch him and make sure  
he doesn't try anything. Got  
it?" Church ordered.  
"Okay, Church." both Tucker  
and Caboose replied.  
"Alright, here's goes nothing."  
Church heaved, and left Lopez's  
body.  
"You know, I have to hand it to you,  
Caboose, you finally came up with a  
good idea." Tucker finally  
admitted.  
"Aw, thanks, man. It was  
nothing." Caboose looked down.  
"No, no, you really contributed,  
and that's what it's all about."  
"You know, I just enjoy the  
process."  
"Yeah, back in the spirit world,  
alright! Man, I forgot how good this  
feels," Church exçlaimed, coming  
alongside the two other Blue  
soldiers. None of the three noticed  
Lopez running off. "Kinda  
loosey goosey. Hey, what'd  
you guys do with my body?"  
"What do you care about your body,  
you can't even move your," he  
stopped, and turned around to see  
Lopez running away.  
"Oh hey, look, your legs  
work!" Tucker observed.  
"This one is mine!" an ominous  
voice uttered from Caboose's  
mouth, and he held the sniper rifle  
up, firing at Lopez's retreating  
form.  
"Hey, Caboose! Whoa,  
cut it out, man! You're gonna  
damage my body! Tucker, you  
guys go through the teleporter and cut  
him off. I'll meet you guys out  
there." Church ordered, fading away.  
"There's no way I'm going through  
the teleporter again. I still got this  
tingle in the back of my," Tucker  
replied, then hesitated. "Look,  
dude, I'm just not going back through the  
teleporter, okay?"  
"But Church said so," Caboose  
protested.  
"Yeah, but Church didn't think  
of THIS!" Tucker threw a grenade  
through the teleporter. "Come on,  
let's go."  
The two set off for the middle of the  
canyon.  
"Alright, hold it right there,  
amigo." Church appeared in front  
of the moving robot, who was in the  
center of the canyon.  
"Mira, que cosa mas fina."  
Lopez said, before running away.  
"Hey, I said hold it not run  
away! You big, robot baby!"  
Church cried out, then he looked  
down, hearing a hissing noise.  
"What the hell? That rock looks  
just like a grenade."  
He paused as it stopped, right  
in front of him.  
With no time to escape, or  
fade away like he had just moments  
before, Church could only mutter  
to himself. "Ah crap." and then the  
grenade exploded.  
"What in Sam Hell is going  
on out there, Grif?" Sarge cried  
as he approached Grif, who  
was holding sniper rifle.  
"Sir, I think we're under  
attack. A very sloppy, poorly  
coordinated attack." Grif  
reported, having seen the explosion.  
"How many do you see?" Sarge  
asked.  
"There's two coming our way and  
another one seems to be," Grif  
started, examining the canyon through the  
sniper's scope. He spotted  
Tucker and Caboose first, then  
Lopez, running away.  
"Retreating?"  
"Oh, we'll give them all the  
reason to retreat. Saddle up,  
Simmons. Let's go rope us some  
blue steer!" Sarge grinned as they  
headed out.  
"Woohoo! Alright, yeah!"  
Simmons's voice could be heard  
as the two ran away from the base,  
guns locked, and loaded.  
"Yeah, woohoo, let's go!  
Alright!"  
"Let's do it!"  
"So," Donut started, shifting from  
foot to foot. "Just you and me hanging  
out at the base, that's cool!"  
"Shut up, rookie." Grif  
mumbled.  
"Do you think they'll be gone long?  
Me and Sarge had a great time together.  
We talked about all kinds of  
stuff."  
"Oh my god. I'm not gonna  
be listening to this all day long."  
Grif grumbled as Donut babbled  
on, and on  
"He showed me a picture of his  
mother, we talked about home  
decorating,"  
"Are you ever going to SHUT  
UP?"  
"We made macrame ideas,"  
"Jesus Christ!"  
"We shared recipes for  
soufflés. Oh man, it was such a  
blast! And then we talked about our  
feelings,"  
"Ugh, god," Grif sighed in  
exasperation.  
"And then we also discussed what it  
was like to be the loner in high school."  
"Jesus Christ... You've got  
to be kidding me. Oh man, I  
don't wanna listen to this."  
"And, you know, all the kids made  
fun of us, but we had a really great  
time! I mean, Sarge is a really  
neat person and we talked about his  
dream the other night where he dreamed  
that, uh, some shit happened."  
"Why me?" Grif finally asked  
to the air around the two soldiers.  
But, he received no intelligible  
response. No answer that he  
sought.


	9. In Stereo Where Available

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The question posed at the end of the chapter is very relevant for this chapter's ending. What the hell was going on?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep in mind. I'm not fluent in Spanish, this is just translated from the transcripts of the episode. This will start the format chosen for Lopez. As long as there's something like this in the episodes, there will be Spanish, just translated into English. (I'll play it off.)

Simmons leaped to the mounted  
turret of the Warthog as Sarge  
revved the engines from the driver's  
seat.  
"Alright, hit it!" Simmons  
said, set in position.  
Church coughed from the smoke left  
by the grenade's explosion. The  
Warthog drove past Sheila's  
wreckage.  
"What the he," he coughed,  
"Who tried to blow me up with a  
grenade? And why am I coughing? I  
don't have lungs."  
Sarge's voice came to him as the  
Warthog sailed overhead.  
"Yeehaw! Ride 'em,  
cowboy!"  
Church backed away slowly.  
"Hey, Sarge," Simmons  
called, leaping from the Warthog.  
"Hold on a sec! Did you see  
something weird, Sarge?" Simmons  
asked.  
"Yes, I did. Once, when  
I was a small child, I saw a  
man, who claimed to be my uncle,  
do this thing with a garden hose that still  
haunts me to thi,"  
"Whoa whoa whoa, I meant  
did you see something weird just now.  
Like five seconds ago."  
Simmons interrupted.  
"Oh. Then no."  
"What was all that stuff about your  
uncle?" Simmons asked.  
"I keep telling everyone he  
wasn't my uncle! He  
wasn't!" Sarge protested.  
"You wanna talk about it?"  
"Just get back in the damn  
jeep." Sarge stated.

Tucker and Caboose came  
across Lopez, holding their weapons  
aloft, aiming them for the robot.  
"Hold it right there, ambre!"  
Tucker ordered. Then he spoke  
to Caboose. "I told you throwing that  
grenade through the teleporter would work!  
Church is gonna be so  
impressed."  
"And Sheila will love me again,  
and this time for who I am and not just for my  
stunning good looks. But for those  
too."  
Caboose looked at Lopez  
as he began to speak, words that were  
Spanish, but to him, were English.  
"Damn these blue bastards. They  
really are as stupid as they look."  
"Your soul is a cavern of  
lies!" Caboose stated, his  
voice ice-cold, and menacing.  
"What the hell are you two  
talking about?" Tucker asked,  
looking to them.  
"You may have won this round, but your  
cruel reign of tyranny will be  
short lived. The red people will be  
avenged," Lopez began to say.  
"Yeah yeah yeah, nobody  
cares. We need you to fix our  
tank." Tucker cut him short.  
"Never will I work for the enemy.  
May a pox be upon your soul and your

house." Lopez responded.  
Tucker shook his head in confusion.  
Red text appeared on  
Lopez's visor reading the  
following:  
PRIMARY OBJECTIVES:  
FIX EVERYTHING  
HATE THE ORANGE ONE  
CALL MOM MORE OFTEN  
"Long have my people suffered, but very  
soon we will see the coming of a new  
day. The dawn of our time is near,  
and when the darkness befalls your people the  
workers of the field will know that this is  
their moment." Lopez prophesied.  
"Man, I thought Church talked  
too much. You think if I kick him  
in the switch he'll shut up?"  
Tucker muttered.  
"Um, Tucker I think that  
maybe we should begin the going of the  
running now!" Caboose suggested,  
when he continued, he was whispering  
loudly, sounding panicked. ""The  
fast running!"  
"Oh crap!"  
Tucker looked off in the distance,  
and spotted the Warthog somewhere out in  
the canyon.  
"Hold your fire there,  
Simmons. This is payback time."  
Sarge remarked as Simmons  
manned the machine gun turret.  
"Go for it, sir!" Simmons,  
called.  
"That's right, we're just casually  
strolling away." Tucker began  
rwalk away, keeping his pace  
slow, and casual. "No cause for  
concern,"  
"Running time!" Caboose  
panicked, and began to run away.  
"Nice and casual! Moron!"  
he shouted after Caboose.  
As they oriented themselves, and ran  
away, straight for Blue base.  
Lopez, who stood his ground,  
spoke again, more words that Tucker  
could not understand, "Yes, yes, run  
away, you cowardly dogs. Be it  
known that the great Lopez has won  
this day and," he spotted the Warthog  
headed straight for him.  
"Aim for that guy right in the  
middle, Sarge!" Simmons  
called over his shoulder.  
"Way ahead of ya,  
Simmons!"  
"What is happening?" Lopez  
asked.  
"You have given me no choice."  
SYSTEM OVERRIDE  
PROTOCOL.  
REMOTE DESTRUCT  
SEQUENCE.  
ACTIVATED   
"We've got you now, you blue  
bastard!" Simmons aimed for the  
soldier in the canyon, a beeping  
sound coming to his ears.  
"Hey, Sarge, do you hear a  
strange beeping sound?"  
It was too late, for the Warthog  
exploded sending the jeep into the air,  
and flipping it over in the air twice  
before landing on its back. Sarge,  
and Simmons flew out, landing on  
the ground. Tucker and Caboose  
came running up to him.  
"I'm sorry, father." Lopez  
murmured in Spanish.  
"Alright! Not bad, robot  
dude!" Tucker complimented.  
"I knew he would save us. I  
knew it! Robot people always like me."  
Caboose smiled, "It's because of  
my awesome dancing."  
"My spirit is broken." Lopez  
said. "My people have betrayed me and  
now all is lost. Do with me what you  
will,"  
"Yeah, okay, man. Can you just  
shut up and fix our tank?"  
Tucker asked.  
The sound of music came  
to Caboose, and he replied,  
smiling, "Dancing time!"  
"The heart of this warrior cries  
out in sorrow." Lopez addressed,  
Caboose. "Why does this one  
mock me with his foolish dancing?  
Are those moves supposed to make  
him look like a robot?" Lopez  
watched Caboose. "They do not. I  
am offended by this."  
"Dancing time!" Caboose  
repeated, continuing. Tucker blinked,  
looking at the two in confusion.  
What the Hell was going on here?!


	10. Radar Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This episode, chapter's, name didn't make sense until I read the script.  
> Lopez, in lossession of his own body for the moment, succeeds in fixing the tank, meanwhile, the Reds contemplate possession, and the bad luck of the Warthog.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, as mentioned in the summary, I didn't quite get it until just recently.

"Is it just me, or does this  
jeep seem like really bad luck?"  
Grif asked Simmons as the pair  
stood atop Red base. Down  
below, Sarge was approaching the  
Warthog, which was upside down.  
"Yeah. You know, now that you mention  
it, it does seem like every time we get  
into the damn thing it breaks, or  
explodes, or goes crazy and  
tries to kill one of us."  
Simmons remarked.  
Donut came up to stand beside the  
pair.  
"Maybe we should try exchanging  
it for a few motorcycles. No  
wait, wait! A big tank like the  
Blues have. That thing never seems  
to have any problems at all."  
Donut replied, it seemed none  
of the Reds realized the tank was  
currently incapacitated.  
But, not for long.  
"Alright, that's the deal, Mister  
Robot. You fix our tank,  
we'll let you go free." Church  
said as Lopez set to work on the  
tank. After a few moments, she  
began to send off sparks.  
"I thought the plan was to trick him  
into fixing the tank and then Church will  
take over his body again when he is  
done." Caboose whispered  
to Tucker.  
"Yeah, but you don't tell the  
person you're tricking what's going  
on Caboose." Tucker advised.  
"So, if I'm the one being  
tricked, then you would not tell me  
what is really going on?!"  
Caboose asked perplexed.  
"Why would we trick you?"  
"Oh, I think you know."  
Caboose remarked gravely.  
"Where will I go? Even my friends  
have tried to kill me." Lopez  
remarked, though, he knew none of the  
Blue soldiers could understand him.  
"Okay, I'm gonna take that  
as a yes and let you get busy with the  
tank fixing." Church replied.  
"I have no home." Lopez  
continued.  
"Aw crap." Grif remarked.  
Sarge, Simmons, and Donut were  
gathered around the damaged Warthog,  
but Grif had chosen remain on top  
of the Red base, looking through the  
sniper rifle's scope. "Hey,  
uh, they got a guy fixing their  
tank." he reported.  
"Impossible! Our Intelligence  
clearly states," Sarge began.  
"We have intelligence?"  
"That the only soldiers in this  
canyon with mechanical training are  
that dead Freelancer and Lopez.  
Oh wait a minute!" he stopped.  
"Sarge, are you thinking what I'm  
thinking? Lopez runs away, the  
jeep starts driving itself, and suddenly  
there's a new guy on the Blue  
Team?" Simmons began.  
"Yes, Simmons, I am. Quite  
obviously, the Blue Team has  
constructed some kind of diabolical  
mind control ray beam, that they used  
on Lopez and now he has to do their  
evil Blue bidding!" Sarge  
remarked.  
"Or, since he's a robot,  
maybe they just reprogrammed him."  
Grif suggested, jumping down from the  
base.  
"Or maybe that Blue guy who  
got killed by the tank came back  
as a ghost, and now he's possessing  
Lopez's body. That could also  
explain why Sarge went nuts when  
we had the prisoner. The Blue  
ghost probably possessed him  
too. And the jeep going nuts was  
probably just a weird set of  
coincidences while the guy learned  
how to use Lopez's body."   
Neither Sarge, Simmons, and  
Grif just stared at him.  
"I think I like the ray beam  
idea better." Simmons  
replied.  
"Yeah, heh, rookie, your  
idea sounds a little dumb." Grif  
replied.  
None of them realized that this was the  
correct scenario.  
"Hurry hurry hurry, fix the  
tank! So that I can say hello  
to Sheila." Caboose hopped from  
foot to foot as Lopez worked  
diligently at the tank.  
In more of an ominous voice, the  
one he'd adopted whenever saying something  
involving violence, added, "And start  
killing everyone!"  
"You mean all the Reds, right?"  
Tucker asked, a little confused.  
"Of course!" Caboose quickly  
said, masking the clearing of his throat.  
"For starters,"  
"Come on, how much longer,  
Lopez?" Church asked, looking  
at the robot, who finally stood  
to look at him.  
"Completo."  
The tank activated with a hum.  
"Thank you for activating the  
M808V Main Battle  
Tank." Sheila, the voice  
system for the tank, said.  
"Sheila! You're fixed! You're  
fixed!" Caboose whooped,  
hopping into one of the front seats.  
"Hello, Private  
Caboose. It is good to see you  
again. Thank you for repairing me."  
Sheila said.  
"He didn't fix you. Our  
robot did it." Tucker  
corrected.  
"Don't cock block me!"  
Caboose started harshly.  
"Dude, come on." Tucker  
protested.  
"Robot? I wasn't aware that  
our squad was outfitted with a  
robot."  
The two slowly make eye  
contact, and the group stops for a few  
moments.  
"I don't like where this is going."  
Caboose said, slowly looking at  
the two.  
"Hello there. My name is  
Sheila. The M808V Main  
Battle Tank."  
"And I am Lopez, the heavy."  
Lopez introduced.  
"Lopez, what a nice name for  
such a nice soldier. You have such  
excellent motor skills."  
"Umm, yes! Well, Lopez  
has to go now. He was just here to hel  
me fix you and now he has to go  
AWAY." Caboose gave several  
hints, none of which Lopez took.  
"Dude, this is getting weird."  
Tucker remarked, looking from  
Caboose, to Sheila, then  
Lopez.  
This is the weirdest love  
triangle I've ever seen,  
Tucker thought.  
"Church, will you take your fucking  
body back?" he finally asked,  
looking at his leader.  
"Roger that."  
"No!"  
Lopez made an odd,  
monotonous sound as Church  
entered Lopez's body.  
"You okay in there, Church?"  
Tucker asked "Church, hey  
what's going on?"  
There was no response.  
"Do I need to flip your  
switch?"  
"What the ' that wasn't me."  
Church reappeared, looking at  
Lopez in confusion.  
Had the robot used some sort of  
willpower to resist possession?  
Did that even work?  
"What the hell's going on here?"  
"Well, buenos dias,  
cockbites. Guess who's  
back?"  
Possessing the mechanical  
body that Church had temporarily  
left, just for the minor fix was none  
other than the previously deceased,  
Frelancer Agent Texas.


	11. I Dream Of Meanie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Story time, with Freelancer Agent Tex!

"Get out of my body right now,  
Tex!" Church ordered as Tex,  
sitting in the driver canopy of the  
tank, possessing Lopez's  
body, which Church claimed as his own.  
"Your body? This isn't your  
body, I stole it." Tex argued.  
"Yeah, but I stole it first!"  
Church countered.  
"I am confused. I thought your name  
was Lopez. And I thought you were a  
man. This is all so strange. I  
feel like my circuits are  
crossed, and I like it!" Sheila  
replied, confused.  
"I know how to get her out of there."  
Caboose raised his pistol.  
Tex looked at him, and he added,  
"Wink."  
"Caboose, don't. Look, just  
go explain to Sheila, okay?"  
Church reasoned, leaving the area.  
"Alright, Tex, now what's it  
gonna take to get you out of there?"  
"Well ever since I've been  
a ghost, I've been watching you  
guys a lot."  
"Whoa, when you say you've been  
watching us, does that mean you've been  
watching us all the time?" Tucker  
asked. He peered at a rock that  
stricktly said.  
Private!  
Keep out!  
Tucker rock!  
"Like even when we're alone?"  
"Yes, Tucker, and you should be  
VERY ashamed of yourself."  
"It's very lonely out here,"  
Tucker remarked, looking at the  
ground.  
"Anyway, I've noticed a  
change in one of your guys.  
Caboose." Tex informed.  
"A change? Like what? He's  
finally learned the whole  
alphabet?"  
It was unspoken, however, until  
Tex spoke again.  
"You haven't noticed that he's  
become increasingly aggressive  
lately?"  
"I have! Started about the same time  
Sheila got disabled and you got  
blown up. I tried to tell Church  
but he never listens." Tucker said.  
"Tucker, there's a very fine line  
between not listening and not caring. I like  
to think that I walk that line every day of  
my life."  
A flashback showed Tex,  
alive, working on the tank.  
"I had just finished repairing the  
tank when I overheard Church's  
plan to warn the Reds about me."  
Tex started.  
"I guess I'm gonna do the  
only thing I can do. I gotta warn  
the Reds."  
"From what I could tell, the  
AI calculated the odds of  
survival and didn't like the  
results."  
"Once Caboose turned on  
his radio to call Church, it took  
it's chance."  
"Calling Private Church.  
Come in, Church."  
"And that's when he said his name was  
O'Malley. So the AI that was in  
you infected Caboose?" Tucker  
asked, catching on.  
"Right, everyone's armor has one  
slot for AI and Caboose's  
would've been vacant." Church  
reasoned.  
"I think there are a few of his  
Non-Artifical slots that are  
empty too." Tucker muttered.  
"And before I could figure out what  
happened, that bitch hit with a really  
lucky shot!" Tex continued.  
"Ah crap!"  
"And the next thing I know.. I'm  
a ghost." she finished.  
"Alright, I get it. Caboose  
has your precious little AI. So  
let me guess, you're holding  
my body hostage until I help  
you get your AI back, right?"  
Church asked, attempting  
to predict her motives.  
"Wrong." she shook her head,  
the one she was possessing. "You're  
gonna help me kill it."  
Church looked at her in confusion  
as she said this.  
Atop Red base, the trio  
of Red soldiers stood watching  
Sarge intently.  
"Ladies, it has come to my  
attention that we are in need of a new  
robot type person. Who here  
wants to volunteer?" Sarge  
stated.  
"Are we going on a trip? I  
love trips!" Donut piped  
up, "Can we play I Spy and  
license plate games?"  
"Shut up, Donut!" Grif  
ordered, but Donut would not listen.  
"Please!" he begged.  
"Uh, sir," Simmons started.  
"Or Punch Buggy?"   
"Why won't this guy shut up?"  
"Or, or alphabet with the signs  
game?"  
"What exactly do you mean  
by volunteer?" Simmons asked.  
"Quite obviously we are without a  
robot or any other type of  
recruit with mechanical training  
or dexterity. Therefore, the only  
solution is to turn one of you into a  
robot and/or freaky cyborg  
thing."  
"Have you gone crazy? What the  
hell?"  
"Wh-What?! That is the  
stupidest idea I ever heard."  
Simmons and Grif protested,  
their sentences overlapping each other.  
"Cool! I vote for  
Simmons!" Donut volunteered.  
"I'm told the cyborg operation  
is a relatively simple  
procedure really." Sarge starts,  
both Grif saying something  
unintelligibly, "Where the mostly  
useless guts and slimy goo of the  
human body are replaced with the no  
doubt superior guts and oily goo  
of a robot." Sarge finished.  
"I'm confused." Grif shook his  
head.  
"If you're lucky, you may even  
get a copper rectum." Sarge  
couldn't help but smile, and chuckle  
at this.  
"Sir, wouldn't it be better if  
we didn't do that, instead of doing  
it?"  
"Good thinking, Simmons. But  
no, I like the removing the guts thing  
so I think we stick with that."  
"Yeah, sir, I hate to agree  
with the kiss-ass, but wouldn't it be  
better if we just got Command to send  
us another perfectly good, brand  
new robot instead?" Grif stated.  
And indeed, he did not like the idea  
of agreing with Simmons.  
"Negative, meatsack." Sarge  
said. "Another new robot could be  
reprogrammed by our enemies just as  
easily as Lopez. We need  
someone we know we can trust."  
"Aw, fuck me!"  
"Or someone whose mental capacity  
is so unbelievably tiny that he  
could never be turned against us."  
Their gazes all turned from  
Simmons, to Donut.  
"Hey, pink suit, guys! I  
think it's somebody else's turn in  
the barrel!" he protested, his own  
gaze set on Simmons.  
"Then again maybe we just stick  
with the trustworthy thing." Sarge said.  
If this were the plan, then Grif  
supposed that this would be the best way  
to go about it. Using Simmons to be  
the robotic teammate could be a  
little helpful.  
Only one way to find out how  
useful. That way was to do it.  
Their gazes, one after another,  
Sarge, Grif, and then Donut,  
whom hadn't changed his gaze one  
bit, looked straight at  
Simmons.  
"Ugh, you backstabbing ass  
monkeys." he muttered.  
"Now, Grif, I'll be needing  
some things from my medicine chest for this  
operation. Two quarts of vodka,"  
Sarge began to list off items as  
Grif confirmed their presence.  
"Check."  
"Eight pounds of Vaseline,  
condensed."  
"Check." Grif said.  
"An old tire iron,  
preferably metric."  
"You, you know, I might have left  
that in the bathroom." Grif  
admitted slowly.  
"The latest issue of Easy  
Bake Oven for Kids Monthly."   
"I'll have to check."  
"Check, you mean we have it?"  
"Check. What no, not check,  
I mean I'll have to check. Look,  
we don't have it."  
"Come on, make sense! I  
don't have all day! I gotta  
gut this fish!" Sarge grumbled as  
Grif went off to search for the items  
mentioned. And indeed, their was a fish  
to gut, not literally, but to make a  
cyborg, that was a large task.  
Though, only in the back of his  
mind did he consider this as top  
priority.


	12. Room For Rent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plan is formulated, and you have a small bit of Red soldiers in this chapter, that I found.

"Well Tex, that was a great  
story." Tucker remarked. The  
Blue soldiers still stood around  
Tex, and the tank. "I especially  
liked the part about Church getting  
pants'd in high school."  
Tucker smiled, laughing just the  
slightest bit. But, Church, who  
was still a ghost, did not seem quite as  
pleased.  
"I found that part to be entirely out  
of context." Church replied.  
"But I still don't get how  
we're supposed to stop the AI."  
"I don't remember much from the  
implantation process. I do  
remember that the AI can be  
transmitted from host to host by way  
of the helmet radios. Before I  
learned anything else, the AI  
took over and we escaped."  
A flashback of a laboratory,  
Tex inside.  
"If we can kill the AI and not  
give it a place to jump, we'll  
beat it." Tex said, looking at  
each of the soldiers.  
"And then I can have my body  
back. Deal?" Church asked.  
"Deal."  
"Alright. Tex and I will  
possess Caboose then. Tucker,  
we need you to work on the Reds. Get  
'em to turn off their helmet  
radios so that O'Malley won't  
have anywhere to go once we get him out  
of there."  
"Right." Tex relpied, agreeing  
to the plan.  
"What?! How the hell am I  
gonna do that?"  
"I don't know. Come up with a  
plan." Church countered.  
"Come on, you know how I feel  
about plans." Tucker complained.  
"You're not gonna have much time  
once we get in there, so move  
fast." Tex stated, sounding just a  
small bit urgent.  
"Oh, I see. You have no idea  
what I should do or how I should do it,  
but whatever I do I should do it fast?"  
"Yeah, that's right." Church  
confirmed.  
"Yep."  
"Wow, you guys are a lot of  
help." Tucker glared at the  
two.  
"Try shifting your paradigm.  
Think outside the box."  
"Hey, the box is there for a  
reason. I like thinking inside of it.  
I feel safe in there." Tucker  
said, taking the phrase literally.  
"Okay, Tex, ladies first."  
Church replied.  
"Yeah right! You think I'm  
gonna leave you alone out here with your  
body?" Tex asked, smirking at  
him.  
"Bitch,"  
"Nice try, Leonard."  
Tex continued.  
"Hey, Caboose!" Church  
called out.  
"Huh?" Caboose turned from  
looking at Sheila, and Church  
assumed that he was talking to the  
tank. He stood to look at them.  
"Heads up!"  
"Noooo!" a voice cried as  
both Church, and Tex went  
to possess Caboose's body.  
"Where are we?"  
Church, clad in white armor,  
and Tex, now in black, were both  
not transparent. They stood in a  
room with walkways and pylons  
littered around it.  
"We're inside Caboose's  
mind. Now we just have to find  
O'Malley and kill him." Tex  
replied.  
"Man, this is kinda weird."  
Church marveled, scanning the  
surroundings.  
"It's hard to get used to, I  
know." Tex agreed.  
"No, it's not that."  
Outside, Caboose could hear  
a voice that sounded just like  
Caboose's, but odd. "It's just that  
this place is a whole lot bigger  
than I thought it was gonna be."  
"Caboose, are you okay,  
buddy?" Tucker asked, walking  
up to his possessed teammate.  
"This place is a lot bigger  
than I thought it would be." he  
repeated.  
"O-kay. I'm gonna take  
Sheila and Lopez and figure out some  
way to get the Reds to shut off their  
radios."  
"Where should we start, Tex?"  
Caboose asked, a question Church  
posed to Tex.  
"What?"  
"I said where should we start,  
Tex?" Church repeated, back  
inside Tex's head.  
"Just keep your eyes peeled."  
She replied. "I guarantee,"  
she spotted Tucker behind her.  
"O'Malley will come looking for us."  
"Hey, Tucker! Is that you?"  
Church asked, spotting Tucker as  
well.  
"No. What're you? Stupid?  
Oh, wait. Yes, I am me.  
I guess I'm stupid." Tucker  
replied, looking at them.  
"What're you doing in here? You're  
supposed to be out there working on your  
part of the plan!" Church exclaimed.  
"Do you have any food? I love  
to eat all the food." Tucker  
mused.  
"What the hell? What's the  
matter with you?"  
"This isn't really Tucker.  
We're in Caboose's head. This  
is Caboose's mental image of  
Tucker." Tex explained.  
"Man, I am so  
unbelievably stupid!" Tucker  
replied, almost melancholy.  
"Well, that's great, everyone we  
meet in here is bound to be as brain  
dead as Caboose, then." Church  
said frustratedly.  
"I would not be so sure about that,  
Mister Church."  
"Great idea, sir. I finally  
agree with you." Grif remarked.  
"Hey, guys." Donut came  
walking up to the two Red soldiers,  
"We might have a problem here.  
Somebody, and I'm not gonna say  
who, might've thought that one of the  
cyborg parts we need for  
Simmons' surgery was a  
cupholder. And somebody, not naming  
any names here, might've left it,  
along with their favorite smooth  
jazz compilation CD, in the  
Warthog. I just don't know who would  
do such a thing."  
It was obvious that it was Donut.  
"Was it you?" Grif asked,  
getting the idea almost immediately.  
"Yeah, uh, no! I mean,  
NO," he paused, having cleared  
his throat. "Dammit."  
"Grif, you and Easy Listening  
stroll on down and retrieve that part  
from the Warthog. Post Haste!"  
Sarge commanded.  
"Sir, do you think it's safe  
to be outside the base right now? For  
all we know the Blues could've already  
fixed their tank. They could be  
advancing on us as we speak."  
Grif stated.  
"Ahh, corny dogs! Even with  
Lopez helping 'em, it'll take  
them months to get that tank online,  
much less to get it movin' again."  
Sarge assured the soldiers.  
"I hope you're right, because if I  
see that tank headed towards me,  
I'm totally gonna freak out."  
Across the canyon, Tucker was  
preparing to set out, to warn the Red  
soldiers of what was to come.  
"Man, I sure hope they  
don't totally freak out when they see  
us coming."


	13. Me, Myself And You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plans are in action, and they're not necessarily going as the Blue soldiers planned their plan. Redundant, right? That's the point!

"I see, so you're from the  
outside. That's where the other is from as  
well." Caboose remarked.  
He looked from Church, to Tex,  
then to the mental image of Tucker.  
"The other? Wait you mean  
O'Malley? Have you seen him?"  
Church asked, ready to get things  
under way.  
"Of course he's seen him you  
idiot! You think Mister Caboose  
would miss something like that, you skeezy  
douche bag fuck!" came a  
voice. Church turned to see the  
mental image of himself standing beside  
Caboose.  
"Alright, hold on a second.  
Who the hell are you?" Church  
growled.  
"My name is Church, butt  
wiping ass munch!" Church's own  
mental image stated, almost as if  
it were obvious.  
"This guy is kind of an  
asshole." Church whispered  
to Tex.  
"Yeah, we've met." Tex  
said.  
"And I'm Caboose's best  
friend, so don't get any ideas about  
kissing up, you lip licking fuck  
suck!"  
"Okay, there was a lot of stuff  
in that sentence that I didn't like."  
Church said calmly.  
"Just play along Church.  
We're gonna need these guys if  
we're gonna find O'Malley."  
Tex whispered.  
"I'm gonna go look for  
girls!" Tucker's mental image  
said, and he left.  
"Fine, whatever." Church sighed.  
"If you want to find  
O'Malley, I suggest we talk  
to the reds first. He tried to recruit  
them against me early on." Caboose  
said. For the second time, Church  
sounded intelligent when proposing  
the idea.  
"The reds? The reds are in here?'"  
Church asked in confusion.  
At Red base, in the real world,  
Grif and Donut were searching through the  
Warthog, which was on its side.  
"Are you sure you left the part in  
there?" Grif asked.  
"Hmm, think so. Wait, yes!  
No. Wait, wait wait wait."  
Donut bit his lip.  
"Mmmmmmmmm, I think so."  
Grif sighed, "Alright, let's  
retrace your steps. You said it was the  
Tuesday before Simmons and Sarge  
got blown up that you were left in the  
Warthog, right?"  
"Right. I know it was Tuesday because  
that's the day I wash my underwear. And  
since I don't like letting my  
armor touch my bare skin, on account  
of I chafe real easily, I  
remember thinking "Where can I hang  
out with no pants on?" So,"  
"Oh, god!"  
Across the canyon, Tucker,  
Sheila, and Lopez were driving  
toward the Red base. They were taking  
care to drive at a steady, slow  
pace. "Okay well, looks like  
we're close enough. Now if I  
could just find the brakes on this thing.  
Ah, must be this button." Tucker  
felt along the controls, looking  
for a button.  
"Do not touch that button."  
"Oh, sorry. Hmm, maybe  
it's this one."  
"Do not touch me."  
"You know, for a girl your size  
you're really sensitive." Tucker  
commented.  
"I cannot take anymore of this."  
Grif finally said.  
"So after I clip my  
toenails, I was gonna apply the  
ointment as recommended. But I  
don't know, it just smells really  
funny. So I decided to taste it,  
just to make sure it was safe."  
Donut continued his explanation.  
"That's it! I'm committing  
suicide." Grif began to run  
off.  
"Hey! I didn't finish  
retracing my steps yet. You  
don't even know what I did about the  
boil on my thigh." Donut  
shouted after him.  
"Oh crap!"  
Grif stopped, and looked off  
into the distance.  
Grif spotted the tank, along  
with Tucker, and Lopez approaching  
them. He quickly went to take cover  
behind the Warthog.  
"Hey you're back! So where was  
I? Oh yeah, I lanced it.  
Disgusting!" Donut began to make  
creepy, disgusted noises.  
"Not now rookie! There's a  
giant tank out there that's about  
to steamroll right over us!" Grif  
sdou  
"What?!" he asked, his gaze  
darting around as he hopped up,  
attempting to see the tank.  
"Oh God it's true! I'm  
totally freaking out! I'm freaking  
out!" Donut began to run in  
circles, panicking.  
"Oh my God. I can't  
believe Caboose is smart enough  
to drive this thing and I'm not! Sheila  
how the fuck do I slow you down?"  
Tucker asked.  
"Retard the throttle." Sheila  
said.  
"What throttle? This  
throttle?"  
"Retard the controller."  
"You mean this thing? What're you  
talking about, I'm so confused!"  
Tucker looked around.  
"The controller, retard!"  
"Hey that's kinda insulting."  
Tucker protested. But, she kept  
repeating the word, over and over again.  
"Oh, come on. Now you're just being  
mean." he complained.  
"Retard."


	14. An Audience Of Dumb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to continue the search for O'Malley, but something's amiss...

Tucker drove Sheila,  
Lopez sat silently.  
"Ahh, Sheila we have to slow  
down or we're gonna run into that  
jeep!"  
"Please take evasive action.  
Please take evasive action."  
Sheila replied.  
"You take evasive action!  
Hey, Lopez, help me out!  
Can't you talk to her?" Tucker  
looked at Lopez for help.  
"Sorry. I'm not good at  
talking to beautiful women. I get  
sweaty." Lopez spoke, but  
Tucker could not understand.  
"Well old buddy, it looks like  
this is the end for us. Since we're  
going to die anyway, there's only  
one thing left for us to do. Grif,"  
Donut and Grif were crouched behind the  
Warthog, still tipped on its side.  
"If you actually suggest what I  
think you're about to suggest, I'll just  
have to kill myself." Grif replied  
stonily.  
"Let's make a break for it!"  
Donut finished.  
"Whew! In that case let's go  
on 3. That's worked well for me in  
the past." Grif replied.  
"Okay, you count."  
"Fine, but don't look at me  
while I count because I get  
nervous." Grif stated.  
Donut stood, facing the  
opposite direction, facing for  
Red base.  
"One."  
Donut stood, and began to run  
off.  
"Two."  
Grif turned around to see  
Donut's retreating.  
"That son of a bitch, he beat me  
at my own game. Curses!"  
Grif stated, starting away at a  
run, forgetting to say three.  
Sheila came driving forward, and  
rammed into the jeep, sending both  
Lopez, and Grif flying, the  
latter bleeding. Lopez landed in  
a puddle of his blood.  
"Good golly Miss Molly!  
What is going on out there?"  
Sarge asked as Donut came  
sprinting into the base, his expression  
panicked.  
"Sir, the blues are attacking  
with their tank! They, they blew up the  
Warthog, again." Donut said,  
panting as he reported this.  
"I wonder what jeeps ever did  
to those guys." Simmons asked.  
"Grif and I just barely had enough  
time to make it out of there. Right  
Grif?" he looked around,  
"Grif?"  
Church looked at his mental  
image. "Why the hell did they  
pair me up with you?" he asked.  
"I wanted to keep my eye on  
you. I don't trust giantic  
turds trying to steal my best friend,  
you rimjob!" the mental Church  
explained.  
"Well, this is going to be a great  
trip."  
Mental Church called out,  
standing at the edge of a ledge  
overlooking an area.  
"Attention Reds! The great  
Caboose demands an audience with  
you! So listen up, you blowjobbing  
cocksuckers!" Church was glad  
to at least have this jerk's anger aimed  
somewhere else.  
"Caboose? Oh no, he's come  
to kill us!" a mental image of a  
soldier in maroon armor appeared,  
and shouted.  
"Would someone please help me,  
I don't want to die!" a  
second mental image appeared,  
this one of a soldier clad in yellow  
armor, instead of orange.  
"I love Caboose, and yet  
I'm so afraid of him!" came  
a third soldier. This soldier had  
a girl's voice, and was wearing pink  
armor.  
"Argh, I be having a southern  
accent, your luck." the sergeant  
stated, appearing, and speaking with a  
pirate's accent instead.  
"He's so scary."  
"Fear not reds, I come here not  
to destroy but instead to ask for your  
assistance on this day." Caboose  
stated, reassuring the panicked  
soldiers.  
"Okay whoa whoa whoa whoa  
whoa, I gotta correct a few  
things I'm hearing here. First of all  
you," he looked at the mental image  
of himself, "You're not Caboose's  
best friend, okay? You don't have a  
best friend, ya know why? You don't  
need one! You're Church! Knowing  
other people just waters down the  
experience. Live the dream buddy."  
"Shove it, dick sniffer!"  
his mental image countered.  
"And Caboose, come on dude,  
seriously. Have you paid attention to our  
enemies for one second?" he asked  
Caboose.  
"I beg your pardon?"  
"First of all that guy," he  
pointed at Grif's mental  
image. "He's not yellow, he's  
orange. And since when is there a  
girl on the red team?"  
"My favorite thing is pretty  
dresses."  
"Argh, I got termites in me  
leg!"  
"And that is not a southern accent."  
Church corrected.  
"Argh!"  
"Do you have any tampons?"  
"Seriously, what is the matter  
with you people?" Church glared at them  
all.  
"Calm down Church." Tex  
tried to assure him.  
"Don't kill us Mister  
Sidekick!" Grif said.  
"Hey butt brunch! I'm  
Caboose's sidekick, not him,  
so shut your pie hole!"  
A sniper rifle fires, and  
Church's mental image falls off  
the edge of the ledge.  
"Leonard, are you okay?"  
Church cried out.  
"Ah, please! That fudge finger  
couldn't hit me. No wait, I'm  
gonna die." he collapsed,  
"Blow me." he said this as he  
died.  
"There he is!" Tex  
exclaimed, and immediately, Church  
knew she meant O'Malley.  
"Let's go get him!"  
O'Malley stood on a  
balcony high above them, clad in  
black armor, and wielding a sniper  
rifle.  
"Alright, c'mon Caboose,  
let's go." Church remarked, starting  
off.  
"I am sorry, have we met?"  
Caboose asked, blinking.  
"What? It's me Church." he  
blinked, peering at Caboose, who  
himself, was a mental image.  
"I don't seem to have any  
memory of you. My name is  
Michael J. Caboose, it's a  
pleasure to make your aquaintance."  
Caboose said formally.  
"Oh you've got to be freaking  
kidding me. I just hope Tucker's  
doing a better job out there getting  
the reds to turn off their radios."  
he mumbled.  
Outside, Tucker stood on  
Sheila, looking out at Red  
base.  
"Goddammit! This isn't going  
very well at all. You okay  
Lopez?" Tucker called to the  
robot.  
"Lopez the Heavy is  
impervious to injury." Lopez  
scoffed.  
"Whatever you big showoff. How about  
you Sheila, you still online?"  
"Affirmative." Sheila  
said.  
"Okay, we should be close enough  
to hack into their radio frequency.  
Lopez get inside Sheila and do  
your business." Tucker ordered.  
"What?!"  
"I'm getting very sweaty!"  
"Oh my God. Remind me  
to hose you two off when we get  
back to base." Tucker shook his  
head.  
"Well this is a devil of a  
pickadillo. Simmons get on  
the squack box and tell command,"  
Sarge sat with Donus inside of  
Red base when their radios came  
alive.  
"Red guys, are you there?"  
"What in buttery goodness? Who  
is this?" Sarge aasked.  
"It's me Tucker, I'm one  
of the blue guys. Look I don't  
have time to explain, but I need all  
of you guys to shut off your radios  
right now."  
"Boy, it'll be a cold day in  
hell before I take orders from you."  
Sarge said coldly.  
"Look, it's really important  
alright? Normally I'd just shoot at  
you guys and steal your girlfriends but  
today's different. I need you to trust  
me on this." 1Tucker explained.  
"Well I may have spoke too  
soon. That is an interesting and well  
thought out, not to mention clever and timely  
I might add, proposition." Sarge  
said, sarcasm dripping from his voice.  
"Simmons, would you care to deliver  
our rebuttal?"  
Simmons, sitting down,  
called through his own radio, after  
clearing his throat, "Suck it  
blue!" he stated enthusiastically.  
"Yeah, suck it blue! Now  
that's what I call an old school  
zinger. In your face blue dude, in  
your face!" Donut taunted,  
echoing Immons's "rebuttal."  
"Aw man." Tucker sighed.  
O'Malley leaped across to yet  
another ledge, Church and Tex in  
hot pursuit. He laughed  
evilly back at them as he  
retreated, getting farther and farther  
away from them.  
"Hurry up Church! He's  
getting away!" Tex urged.  
"You'll never catch me!"  
O'Malley taunted, leaping across  
yet another gap.  
"Come on let's go!"  
"Dammit, these guys are not  
backing down! Lopez, looks like  
we're gonna have to go to Plan B.-  
Tucker referred to Lopez.  
Lopez nodded, and began to play  
music, singing along in Spanish.  
"What in Betty's bloomers  
is on the radio now? Sounds like the  
feral cry of a retarded Mexican  
sasquatch!" Sarge exclaimed.  
"Turn it off, turn it off!  
Please God make it stop!"  
Simmons cried out, placing his hands  
over his ears.  
"Oh man, this rules.  
RULES!"  
Donut seemed to be the only one  
that liked the music currently being  
played.  
O'Malley had turned back,  
but he didn't expect to run into the  
ones he was running from.  
"Huh?"  
"Alright, O'Malley, this is  
it. From now on, if anyone makes  
my girlfriend cranky and psychotic,  
it's gonna be me." Church  
quipped, raising his gun.  
"Aww, that's sweet."  
"Shut up, bitch." Church  
blurted, and the two shared a smile.  
"Asshole."  
"Never! The darkness will swallow you  
whole!" O'Malley cried  
ominously.  
"Dead end, O'Malley!  
You're just one big headache, and I  
got a whole pistol full of  
aspirin!"  
"What?" Tex asked, blinking  
in confusion.  
"I got half a mind to kill  
you,"  
"That's ridiculous."  
"And the other half agrees!"  
Church finished, smiling at his own  
wise remarks.  
"Ugh, Church, that's just stupid."  
Tex finally said.  
"You're about to split,"   
"God Church." Tex  
interrupted before he could finish, but he  
did so anyway.  
"Personality!"  
"You're just embarrassing yourself."  
"Psyche!"  
"That's it, I've had enough, can't  
take anymore! Everybody,  
switch off your radios."  
Sarge ordered his soldiers as,  
outside the base, Lopez only  
continued to sing.  
"But Sarge," Donut  
protested.  
"That's an order private."  
"Sarge  
pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease."  
Donut begged.  
"Don't try my patience  
boy!"  
"Ah, man!"  
Radios switched off, Sarge,  
Donut, Simmons, and Grif.  
Tucker saw this, and walked over  
to Sheila and Lopez. He laughed  
in delight.  
"It worked! Hey turn off your  
radio, quick!" Tucker told them.  
The robot entered the tank, his  
radio turned off.  
"Nice knowing you, O'Malley,  
but payback's a bitch, and so am  
I." Tex remarked, her own  
gun aimed at O'Malley.  
"Wait, Tex, we don't know  
if Tucker's had enough time."  
Church replied.  
"There's only one way to find  
out." Tex replied grimly.  
He nodded, and the two opened fire  
on O'Malley's position. A  
flash of blackness, and when sight  
returned, O'Malley was gone.  
All that remained was an echoing  
scream that was evidently  
O'Malley's own.  
"Huh, he just disappeared. I  
expected like an echoing laugh or the  
smell of brimstone at least. I  
don't smell any kind of stone."  
Church looked to Tex. "Don't  
you think that's weird, Tex?"  
She was gone too.  
"Tex? Tex, where'd you go?"  
"Tex, where'd you go? How do I  
get out of here? What happens  
to O'Malley?" Caboose  
spoke, echoing the words of Church  
from his mouth.  
"Come in, Blue Command. Do you  
read me?"  
A familiar, disembodied  
voice called through a radio. "This  
is Medical Officer  
DuFresne. Is anyone there? Do  
you read me?"  
Doc stood on a clif, calling  
Command from his radio.  
That was the only flaw the Blues,  
and Tex, had forgotten about.


	15. Aftermath, Before Biology

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something's a little strange about DuFresne, also known as Doc, what in Blood Gulch could it be?

"Hello, dude, come in,  
doctor dude, are you there?  
Hello. Paging doctor dude  
to the radio, stat! I need to know  
what the hell's going on there  
dude."  
"Ugh. What happened?"  
Doc groaned as he stustbled from  
behind a rock in the caves of  
Blood Gulch.  
"Hey, you tell me dude. One  
minute we're talking about a hole  
in the wall, the next think I know you  
turn into Grumps McGurt.  
Sounded like you needed a lozenge.  
Threatened to eat my children. Not very  
cool, dude." Vic, one of the  
men at Blue Command, said.  
"Geeze, did I really?  
I'm sorry, something went wrong with  
my radio, and I heard this weird  
beeping, honking," Doc started.  
"Hey, no offense taken dude.  
Don't got any kids  
anyway." Vic remarked,  
chuckling.  
"What?"  
"Old Vic's been through the snip  
and stitch."  
"I don't," Doc was confused.  
"If you know what I mean."  
"I don't wanna hear about that."  
Doc decided.  
"Winky-Blinky the one eyed  
Sergeant's firing blanks."  
Vic continued.  
"That's weird."  
"If you get me."  
"Look," Doc started,  
attempting to change the subject.  
"Via Con Dios of the Vas  
Deferens."  
"Yeah alright, I, enough, I  
get you." Doc said.  
"I mean a vasectomy,  
dude." Vic replied, clarifying  
things.  
"Look, I found something really  
weird here at Blood Gulch  
Outpost Alpha." Doc  
reported.  
"Rodger that. What did you  
find?"  
"It's, it's like a," Doc  
paused, taking a deep breath.  
"It's like a thing."  
"It's like a thing. Okay, dude.  
Thank you for the update. I'll be  
sure to alert the Chief of Staff,"  
"Sorry,"  
"Move to Defcon 1."  
"I'm just a little dazed. It's a  
big thing. It, it's purple. It's  
uh, it's a big purple thing."  
Doc fumbled for the right words  
to describe what he'd seen.  
"Use your words, dude."  
"Look, I don't know. It  
looks like some kinda alien  
artifact. Do the aliens have like a  
home base or something here?"  
"I don't know dude, why  
don't I just consult my Extra  
Terrestrial Travel Guide for  
ya. Oh look! Got a great  
series of alien bed and breakfasts  
there." Vic seemed to taunt his  
idea. Doc sighed as he just  
continued speaking. "Lucky you."  
"Never mind. I'll just figure  
it out myself." Doc finally decided.  
"Nothin' about big purple things,  
though. Maybe it's some kind of  
alien vehicle." Vic said, just before  
the transmission ended.  
"Man, that guy is such a jerk.  
The next time he talks to me like that,  
I'm gonna tell him to go straight  
to H-E-Double Hockey  
Sticks. Oh, I really shouldn't  
talk like that, that's not very nice."  
Doc seemed very conflicted about it.  
"If I ever meet him, I'm  
taking his eyes as souvenirs." his  
voice came out gruff and harsh.  
"Whoa, that was unlike me. I  
must be stressed out. Time for yoga!"  
He sat down, ready to do as  
he said.  
"How's Sheila doing?"  
"I'm not gonna lie, it's not  
looking pretty. She may have  
twisted her differential, possibly  
some structural damage. Could be  
a disk."  
"You have absolutely no idea  
what you're talking about, do you?"  
Church and Tucker stood on  
Blue base, watching the canyon.  
"Eh, no. Not a clue."  
"What about Tex? Any sign of  
her?"  
"No, no Tex. Is it  
unusual for her to disappear like that?"  
Tucker asked.  
"When we were dating, she'd sneak  
off all the time. But it was usually  
to sleep with other guys, or to spend  
money that she'd taken out of my  
wallet. And since I don't have  
any money, and, well, no offense  
to you, Tucker, but," Church trailed  
off.  
"You're a dick."  
"Grif, don't try to move  
too much. You've been through quite the  
ordeal." Sarge ordered.  
"Oh, man. Where am I?"  
Grif lay on the ground in the  
Red base, moaning as if he'd  
just woken from a long sleep.  
"Hush now. Shhhh. Shhh.  
Shhh. Shh. It was really touch-and-go  
there for a while, good buddy. But I  
did it." Donut said gently. "I  
pulled you through."  
"How long was I out?"  
"Don't you worry. Nurse  
Donut here stayed by your side the  
whole time, stroking your hand and  
keepin' you company." Sarge grinned  
at the thought, and Grif just groanedou  
"My right hand?"  
"Your left."  
"Note to self: Cut off left  
hand." Grif remarked, sighing.  
"Technically speaking, it's not  
really your left hand."  
"Say what?" Grif sat up  
slowly.  
"I had to replace certain  
body parts that were severely damaged  
when the tank ran you over. And a few  
that atrophied from a lifetime diet of  
HooHoos and bacon flavored  
marshmallows." Sarge explained.  
"Wait, which body parts?"  
"Well, let's see. We had  
to start with the shoulder, then we moved on  
down to the flank,"  
"Huh?" Grif blinked,  
looking at his teammates.  
"Yeah, we couldn't really find  
an anatomy book." Donut  
put in, smiling.  
"Made a left turn at the  
spare rib,"  
"But we did find one of those  
pictures with the cow, and the dotted  
lines all over it." Donut  
continued, adding to the explanations.  
"Then up and over the  
porterhouse," Sarge continued.  
"I think it did the trick."  
"And of course the brisket,"  
"Wait," Grif raised a hand,  
attempting to stop Sarge's speech.  
"And the hocks. Oh, the hocks."  
"Wait, where did you get the  
replacement parts?" Grif asked.  
"Why, from our other subject, of  
course." Sarge smiled, turning  
to someone else.  
"Subject my cyborg ass."  
Simmons's voice came  
to Grif's ears.  
"No way." Grif gasped.  
"Yeah, I'm real happy about  
this myself, numbnuts." Simmons  
remarked.  
"Yep, those too." Sarge  
put in, indicating something Grif  
was unsure of.  
"Did I get your lips?"  
"Prairie Oysters, the  
gristle,"   
"Cause maybe then I'll  
finally figure out how to kiss  
Sarge's ass."  
"And the ass."  
"What the hell."  
"Naucy bits." Sarge said.  
"What didn't I get?"  
Grif asked, looking from Sarge,  
then to Simmons.  
"We pretty much replaced all  
the internal organs, and some of the more  
disgusting external ones. Except  
for Simmons' spleen, which will be  
inflated and used for general  
recreation, and ess de corps."  
Sarge explained.  
"This doesn't seem physically  
possible." Grif stated, not  
believing any of this.  
"Nonsense. Modern  
technology makes anything  
possible. It was as easy as shake  
n' bake!" Sarge said.  
"And I helped!" Donut  
piped up.  
"Actually, Donut, I don't  
really know if snickering in the corner  
all night like a prepubescent  
monkey actually qualifies as  
help. But it sure was entertaining!"  
Sarge remarked, chuckling as  
Donut snickered as the aforementioned  
creature.  
This was the most confusing day of  
Grif's entire military career,  
and for that matter, his entire life.


	16. What's Mine Is Yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's more confusing than transferring body parts from human to robot?

Tucker and Caboose were in the  
upper levels of Blue base,  
talking.  
"Man, Caboose. You were  
asleep for a long time. What were you  
dreaming about?" Tucker asked.  
"Oh, nothing. I do not like  
to dream. I try not to think while  
I'm sleeping." Caboose  
admitted.  
"That's pretty much how you  
function while you're awake,  
too." Tucker stated, looking  
away.  
"I think consistency is  
important."  
"Well, you look okay. Then  
again, that's just the armor. How do you  
feel?"  
Church entered the area.  
"Great!" he answered, then he  
blinked, looking at Church in  
confusion, "Who're you?" he asked.  
"Oh, come on! Not this again! How  
can you seriously not remember me?"  
Church chastised him.  
"Oh, of course! I remember  
you, you're Marvin!"  
"I'm Church!" Church said,  
a little irritated with this.  
"I think I would remember a name  
that ridiculous. Nope, you are  
definitely Phil." Caboose  
replied.  
"You killed me with the tank."  
"Dave!"  
"You insulted my girlfriend. You  
called her a cow."  
"Karen!" Caboose continued  
to say names, and Church was not sure  
he was even paying attention.  
"Dude, he called her a  
slut." Tucker corrected.  
"Phineous?"  
"Your whole life is based around  
pleasing me."  
"Wally."  
"In fact, I think you're kind  
of obsessed with being my best friend."  
"Milo?"  
"Psst. The new guy is  
pretty full of himself." Caboose  
whispered to Tucker, just loud enough for  
Church could still hear him.  
"New guy? What the ' I'm not  
the new guy. You're the new guy!"  
"I don't know. I kinda like it.  
I could get used to calling you  
Rookie." Church glared at  
Tucker.  
"Oh, yea? Could you get used  
to me beating you to death?"  
"Psst. What's wrong with the  
rookie? He seems mad."  
"Oh, son of a bitch."  
"Susan?"  
"Donut, there is no way you can  
jump that high." Grif observed  
as Donut stood below him. The  
pink armored soldier kept leaping  
up, attempting to reach the upper  
levels. He paused as he landed,  
and looked up to Grif.  
"Yes I can." he stated  
confidently.  
"What the hell is he doing?"  
Simmons, a cyborg, asked,  
coming to stand by Grif, looking down at  
Donut, who was still jumping. As  
he jumped the soldier kept  
chanting, over and over, "Yes, I  
can! Yes, I can! Yes, I can!"  
"Loosing a bet." Grif  
replied simply.  
"Oh, I almost got it that time!  
Are you sweating yet, sucker?"  
Donut asked, as he landed, on  
the lower level.  
"No, I can't sweat.  
Simmons' stupid sweat glands  
don't even work right." Grif  
said.  
"What? They were working when I  
gave them to you." Simmons stated.  
"Please. I'm not moist in any  
of the usual places. If you want  
them back so bad, take 'em."  
"I can't." Simmons sighed,  
looking down at Donut. "Sarge  
says that sweat makes my cyborg  
parts rusty. So, I'm cooled  
by Freon now."  
"Ah, delicious Freon."  
"Grif, are you alright? Are my  
lungs okay? Hey, wait a  
minute. Are you smoking inside your  
helmet again?"  
Grif coughed violently as he  
responded.  
"What? No!"  
"Oops." Grif remarked as  
smoke poured from his helmet, as he  
turned from Simmons.  
"Dammit. I knew this would  
happen. And how many snack cakes  
have you had today?" Simmons  
interrogated.  
"None." Grif lied.  
"Okay, five, or more.  
Baker's dozen at most."  
"Do you even know how many are in a  
baker's dozen?" Simmons asked.  
"By my count? Forty-eight."  
Donut grunted as he continued  
to jump up and down, still attempting  
to reach the upper level. Grif  
couldn't help but think to himself, though  
this soldier had good arms, he did  
not have good legs.  
"Alright. That's it. No more  
smoking, no more drinking, and no more  
overeating, chubby! You're not going  
to ruin my body parts the same way  
you ruined yours." Simmons  
ordered.  
"That's okay. I can think of  
different ways to ruin them."  
A clattering from below caught their  
attention, and they looked down to see  
Donut.  
"Ah! Ah! Ow! Ahhhhh!  
Who left the spleen ball where  
someone could trip on it? I think I  
broke something. Simmons, I need  
your ovaries!" Donut called,  
lying on his back, on the ground.  
"Ugh, I really hate this army."  
Simmons grumbled.  
"Grif, Simmons 2.0! I  
just got off the horn to Command. I'm  
afraid we have a situation."  
Sarge reported, as he arrived.  
"Ah, don't tell me they  
canceled the holiday party again! Those  
cheap bastards. All I wanted was  
one night of care-free dancing. But  
no! I ask you when it will be  
Simmons' turn? When?!"  
Simmons asked, overreacting.  
"Uh, actually, the problem is with  
Lopez."  
"Don't tell me." Grif  
started. "The Consulate General from  
Spanish Land is coming, and without  
Lopez, we don't have anyone  
to translate."  
"There's no such thing as Spanish  
Land, you retard." Simmons  
countered easily.  
"Yes there is. They have those, uh,  
uh, waterslides. And all that  
salsa!"  
"No, they don't." Simmons  
shook his head.  
"Well, I guess you would know."  
"What's that supposed to mean?  
For the last time, I'm  
Dutch-Irish!"  
"Hey, don't let your fiery  
Latin temper get out of control.  
I was just trying to make a point."  
Grif remarked.  
"Can it, Frankenstein. We've  
got a pot on the front burner,  
and it's a-boilin' over. I've just  
learned that Command implanted Lopez  
with secret instructions detailing the  
next phase of our operations. Do you  
have any idea what this means?"  
Sarge turned his gaze from one  
soldier to the other, and back again.  
"I uh, uh, Simmons? You  
want to take this one?"  
"Were you not listening again? What the  
hell were you thinking about?"  
"Certainly not waterslides,  
I can tell you that much. Or  
salsa."  
"What it means is that if we  
don't get back Lopez before the  
Blues uncover our secret  
plans, we'll be up pooper  
creek without a paddle." Sarge  
explained.  
"Ew. Gi-a, that's gross!"  
Grif exclaimed.  
"I'm talking about being lost in a  
forest of filth without a compass.  
Swimmin' in a river of sick with  
no floaties on. Drivin' blind,  
into the tunnel of,"  
"Sir, I think we get the  
picture. The very, very disturbing  
picture."  
"You sure? I could go on."  
Sarge looked to Simmons, as if  
he'd just ruined Sarge's fun, which  
Grif was sure, he had.  
"I'm sure you could. But no.  
Really."  
"Just one more?"  
"Stop." Grif said sternly.  
"Come on, they're fun.  
Simmons, you try one. I'll  
start you off. Flyin' by the seat of your  
blank, with a blank in the blank.  
Eh?" Sarge grinned at the two  
soldiers.  
"Sorry sir, I'm not good at  
word games."  
"Ah, you're both a couple  
lousy blanks." Sarge muttered.


	17. Blunderball

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's the most stupid thing for Donut to do? Complain, and protest that his armor is not pink, but just a light shade of red? Nope! This is!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I went with this as the title for the Chapter due to it being the one I found online. Though, for the actual episode their are many other titles, all referencing James Bond. This however, is a reference to Thunderball. (Also, due to spy stuff involved in the episode.)

Tucker and Caboose stood  
atop Blue base as they had time  
and time again, overlooking Blood  
Gulch. More specifically, Lopez  
and Sheila, whom were prsumably  
speaking.  
"Man, Lopez and Sheila have  
been spending a lot of time together."  
Tucker observed.  
"I don't like it. He is not good  
enough for my Sheila." Caboose  
replied, immediately jealous.  
"But they seem happy together."  
"He is a bad influence and he  
is taking advantage of her because she  
is young and naive," he looked at  
the tank, "And delicate."  
"Delicate? She weighs like  
200 tons, dude." Tucker said.  
"She is a precious flower."  
"Hey guys, I have to ask you a  
favor. This might sound strange,  
but I think Caboose is getting  
kind of jealous of your relationship."  
Tucker had approached the two.  
"Sheila! Come back to me!  
I made you a muffin!" Caboose  
cried, obviously in jealousy.  
"Anyway, could you just try to keep  
a low profile or something? We  
don't want some weird,  
horribly disgusting love  
triangle." Tucker continued.  
"Tucker, I've been speaking  
with Lopez, and we feel that the  
machine has been treated unfairly  
in this canyon." Sheila stated.  
"What're you talking about?"  
"On a regular basis, we are  
either being blown up, possessed  
by spirits, or just left out to rust."  
"Huh?" Tucker looked from the  
robot, to the tank, and back again.  
"We have decided that until  
conditions improve, we are not going  
to help you in your battles."  
"You're kidding, right?"  
Tex aimed the barrel of the canon  
straight at Tucker's face. "Do  
I look like I'm kidding?"  
"It's very simple." Sarge was  
explaining one of his ridiculous  
plans to the Red soldiers. "We  
use a flea flicker maneuver  
with a run and gun two by two  
approach, tactical ops will be,  
aw hell, who am I kidding?  
Grif, Donut, just go stand in the  
way of their bullets while me and  
Simmons 2.0 sneak around back  
to grab Lopez." Sarge gave  
up, looking down.  
"Sounds like a plan!"  
"No it doesn't! How about this  
time we try something that doesn't  
involve me being shot at or run  
over." Grif remarked.  
"Would electrified be okay?"  
"No!" Grif exclaimed.  
"Well, I'm out of ideas."   
"Look, instead of running  
straight into enemy gunfire like we  
usually do, why don't we try some  
reconnaissance this time?" Grif  
suggested.  
"You mean like spy stuff? That would  
be cool! I could wear a spy  
tuxedo,"  
"No." Sarge immediately shot the  
plan down.  
"With a hidden spy camera,"  
Donut continued, interrupted again.  
"No." Simmons said it this time.  
"Inside a tiny spy bowtie,"   
"No."  
"Or, I could wear a flower on  
my lapel,"  
"I said no!" Sarge asserted  
himself.  
Donut wasn't done, not quite  
yet. "That sprays water in people's  
faces,"  
"Shut up Donut."  
"No, a secret spy liquid,  
that would be awesome."   
"No!" Both Sarge, and  
Simmons exclaimed.  
"Maybe! Uh, I mean, no,"  
Grif agreed.  
"Oh, come on! I could be Double  
O Donut."  
"You mean like, Doonut?"  
Simmons asked.  
"With a license to thrill, or be  
thrilled!"  
"Alright, since you're both so  
into the idea, Grif, Donut,  
you're on recon. Find us a way  
to break into their base, and report  
back on the double." Sarge finally,  
resignedly, said.  
"Great, more time alone with the  
idiot." Grif moaned.  
"Grif, Grif, Grif,  
Grif, Grif, Grif! Let's  
pretend we're wearing super spy  
jet-packs!" Grif groaned as  
Donut said this, but was immediately  
corrected, "No, no, no, no.  
Like this." he made an odd  
noise, making it sound sort of like  
an aircraft taking off.  
"Hey, can you not stop that for 2  
seconds?" Grif asked as they  
came to a cliff.  
"Come on Agent," Donut  
stopped to clear his throat, deepening  
his voice. "Come on Agent  
Grif, we've got to hurry if  
you want to save the princess from the  
evil goblins."  
"What princess? I thought you were  
pretending to be in a spy movie?"  
Grif complained.  
"Look, my secret spy character  
gets to marry a beautiful princess  
in a castle, alright? Deal with it!"  
"Donut, can you go find some  
higher ground or something?"  
"But we're on higher ground  
now." They crested a hill.  
"Why don't you use your  
jet-pack to get to the highest  
ground?" Grif sighed.  
"Good idea! I bet the Blues  
won't think of that." Donut said.  
"No, if they were that stupid we  
probably would've won by now."  
"Secret Agent Donut, to the  
rescue!" Donut went running  
off, continuing to make noises that must  
have belonged to a jet-pack.  
"I could just shoot him, no one  
would ever have to know. No one." Grif  
pondered.  
Church looked out over the canyon  
as Tucker approached him.  
"Hey Church, we might have a  
problem." Tucker said, looking at  
him.  
"Is this a new problem, or did  
Caboose get his head stuck in the  
freezer again?" Church asked  
blankly.  
"New one. Sheila and Lopez  
are now considering leaving to form their own  
robot army. They said no one would  
dare oppose them." Tucker informed  
him.  
"What?! Did you try to talk  
them out of it?" Church asked.  
"No way, I wouldn't dare  
oppose them!" Tucker said, proving  
his point.  
Sheila was a large tank, with a  
gun, and Tucker was a small  
human soldier, with a pistol. There  
was no chance he could have won.  
"Man, well we gotta find a  
way to separate them. Maybe it's  
time to get rid of Lopez."  
"But without Lopez you wouldn't have  
a body to use. Why don't you just  
possess him like you normally do?"  
Tucker looked at Church, and  
he looked baak.  
"I would, but it's getting harder  
to do each time. I think he's learned  
to fight it somehow."  
"You know, I really think we should  
try a non-violent approach  
to resolve this." Doc stated,  
talking to what seemed to be thin air.  
Though, truly it was, he was  
speaking to the AI in his helmet.  
"I agree, except replace  
the words "non" with "extremely!"  
And after the word "violent" include the  
phrase "blood explosion  
extraordinaire!" O'Malley  
laughed as he said this.  
Neither of the two noticed Donut  
approaching the cave's entrance.  
"Hey, what's going on in there?"  
Donut asked quietly, peering  
inside the blackness.  
"We can't do this! They're gonna  
find out! They'll find out about us, the  
machine, everything!" Doc said.  
"What the ' those voices sound  
suspicious." Donut observed.  
"I will rip out their guts and feast  
on their entrails!" O'Malley  
said psychotically.  
"But I'm a vegetarian!"  
"Oh, it's that guy whose name I  
forget. But where's the guy he's  
talking to?"  
Donut had wandered slowly into the  
cave, and spotted Doc. But, he  
saw no signs of his friend. And it  
seemed they had not seen him.  
"We can't just sabotage their  
equipment. That's rude!" Doc  
observed, trying to negotiate with the  
aggressive AI.  
"Sabotage? That doesn't sound  
too good."  
"I will devour their hearts and  
crap out their souls!" O'Malley  
said.  
"That sounds even worse!"  
Donut refrained,  
unsuccessfully, from shuddering at the  
very thought of this.  
"They will all taste oblivion,  
which tastes just like Red Bull, which is  
disgusting." O'Malley remarked.  
"Whoa!"  
"All will perish!"  
"All? That includes me! Oh  
man, I gotta tell the guys!"  
Donut ran from the cave, and back  
out into the open.  
"Hello?" It seemed that Doc  
had noticed him, just as he left.  
"Who's there? Please help me!  
I'm scared of myself!"  
"Gotta get back to base!"  
Donut remarked as he reached the  
cave's exit. "Back, to base!  
Oh man, there it is!" He  
approached the base. "Guys!"  
he called.  
No response.  
"Hey guys! Where is  
everybody? I saw something really  
weird in that cave that," he blinked,  
and noticed Sheila, the large  
tank looming over him.  
"Hey, that's cool. When did  
we get a tank? Wait a  
minute, this looks like the store.  
Except Sarge told me there is  
no store."  
Adonut turned around, and  
noticed he was on the wrong side  
of the canyon. He was at Blue  
base.  
"Oh no!"  
"Oh yeah!"  
Tucker and Caboose had their  
pistols aimed at Donut.  
"Oh crap! I knew I  
should've just shot him!" Grif  
remarked. He stood atop a  
cliff, observing everything through the  
scope of his sniper rifle.  
Finally, he turned, and began to run  
back to Red base.  
He had to inform Sarge of this.


	18. Dealer Incentive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here's how to negotiate the negotiators into a ripoff deal!

"So, they send a female  
assassin to try and kill us.  
Clever, but it won't work. We're  
immune to your feminine wiles."  
Tucker stated, looking at Donut  
curiously. "Unless you wanna  
date one of us."  
Donut stood surrounded inside  
of the Blue base.  
"Female?! I'm not a girl."  
Donut protested, glaring at  
Tucker.  
"Tease."  
"I just have, light red armor."  
Donut continued.  
"How is that pink armor  
anyway? Looks comfortable," both  
he and Tucker snickered at this.  
"At first, I really hated it.  
But it's kinda grown on me.  
My old armor used to chafe my  
thighs somethin' aweful. But the crotch  
in this pink one is surprisingly  
roomy!" Donut remarked, warming  
up to Caboose, the less  
intelligent of the two soldiers, the  
one in regulation Blue, as they  
called the natural color.  
"Silence woman!" Tucker said,  
looking at Donut.  
"Good Bhudda's noodle, how  
could this have happened?" Sarge  
exclaimed, addressing Grif and  
Simmons. The former of the two  
soldiers had just finished explaining  
what had happened before he left for  
Red base once more, retreating from  
the reconnaissance mission set to him  
and Donut, who was now the Blue  
team's prisoner.  
"It's okay sir. It was a  
strong plan, Grif's just a  
dumbass." Grif glared at  
Simmons as he said this.  
"Hey, I'm using your  
cerebral cortex." Grif  
reasoned.  
"Settle down, ladies. We  
need a new strategm, and we need  
it fast." Sarge quelled the  
argument.  
"Donut's sure to crack under the  
pressure and reveal everything."  
Simmons predicted.  
"Everything like what, where we keep  
his tampons?" Grif countered.  
"You're right about that, Simmons.  
The boy doesn't even see the  
entertainment value in being tortured!  
Oh these kids today!"  
"How's it goin', Tucker? We  
get any useful information outta the  
prisoner yet?" Church asked,  
entering the Blue base, where  
Tucker awaited him.  
"I figured he was here to steal  
back Lopez, but he won't give  
us anything, except a list of  
crock pot recipes. Would that be  
useful?" Tucker asked.  
"Do we have a crock pot?"  
Church asked, causing Tucker  
to think.  
"No, Caboose made a  
trade with that annoying guy from  
Blue Command. He swapped it for a  
mystery box."  
"What was in the mystery box?"  
Church asked.  
"A hundred and forty jars of  
mayonnaise." Tucker answered,  
just the slightest bit annoyed with the  
trade, and Caboose.  
"well that's a good trade,"  
Church admitted reluctantly.  
"Yeah it doubles as a great  
sunscreen." Tucker agreed.  
"How did you," he paused.  
"Never mind. Listen, I think  
I came up with a plan for how we  
can use Lopez and our new  
prisoner to get an upper hand on the  
Reds."  
First Tucker, then Church, stared  
blankly, and silently at each  
other.  
It was evident that Tucker was  
trying to deduce what his deceased  
leader was thinking.  
"The plan does not involve  
mayonnaise." Church said as  
Tucker opened his mouth.  
"Dammit, I knew there would be  
a catch."  
"That was fun. Okay, okay, your  
turn. Truth, or dare?"  
Caboose and Donut sad in  
another part of the large structure that  
was Blue base, playing a little  
game of truth or dare.  
"Hmmm, truth!" Donut said  
confidently.  
"Okay. Tell me, all of the  
Red secret plans!" Caboose  
said.  
"Ahaw, you tricked me! You  
Blue guys are so smart. Okay,  
now listen closely. Our biggest  
secret is," he paused.  
"Caboose! It's me,  
Church. I posessed this guy so  
we can, whoo, hey. This pink  
armor's kinda comfortable. Roomy.  
What were you two guys talkin'  
about?" Church looked around, in  
possession of Donut's body.  
"Ohouw, nothing." Caboose  
lied.  
"You wanna braid each other's  
hair?" Church asked, a little  
awed by the question he had just asked.  
"Hello inferior red squad!"  
"We would like to talk to you about,"  
"Sneak attack!"  
"Shut up you idiot, we're  
not here to fight. We're here  
to negotiate."  
Church, Tucker, and Caboose,  
the former of the trio still in possession  
of the Red soldier known as, Donut.  
"Ahay, sneak negotiation!"  
"What the ' Donut! What is  
this?!"  
Sarge, Grif and Simmons  
2.0 had come out of the Red base,  
and were looking up at the Blues,  
and Church as Donut.  
"I think he's talking to you."  
Tucker nudged Church.  
"We, uh I mean they, would like  
to negotiate a surrender, to us.  
No to them, no wait nono that's  
right, to them, to us." Church seemed  
to be confused.  
"Oh, smooth dude." Tucker  
muttered.  
"What's this business, the Blues  
are givin' up? I smell a  
trap, or a rat, or a rat, in a  
trap. Don't accept it  
Simmons." Sarge told  
Simmmons.  
"You can't surrender blues, we  
haven't attacked you! Now go home  
and wait for us to attack, and then you can  
surrender."  
"Wait, if we accept, that  
means we would have two surrenders,  
and they would have none. That means we  
win!" Grif reasoned.  
"Win what?"  
"I don't know, the war, er  
something. Right?" he looked  
to Sarge.  
"You're an idiot."  
"In exchange for not killing us,  
they, them, we, they would like to,  
release the robot guy, and me,"  
Church exchanged a glance with  
Tucker, then rephrased himself,  
"The pink guy."  
"Are you becoming retarded?"  
"What should we do, sir?"  
Simmons asked Sarge.  
"I'm torn, between my intense  
distrust of the blue team, and the need for the  
plans stored in my favorite  
robotic creation. No offense,  
Simmons." Sarge remarked.  
"Nooone taken, sir. You  
removed the negative emotional  
center of my brain, and implanted it  
in Grif."  
Meanwhile, Grif hopped about  
behind them. "Noh I kin, I just can't  
take this, we're all gonna die!  
Wohouw."  
"I don't think they're going for  
it." Church reported to Tucker.  
Tucker jumped as a shot went  
straight behind him. ""Oh, mother  
fucker!" he exclaimed.  
The wielder of the sniper which had  
shot at him, was Simmons.  
"Okay, now you're under attack.  
Go ahead and surrender, bitch!"  
he remarked, smiling at this.  
"Nice thinkin' Simmons."  
Sarge complimented.  
"The humanity!" Grif  
groaned.  
"Alright, they surrender!"  
"Fuck that, I'm pissed,  
let's fight." Tucker countered,  
arming himself.  
"Now that you have been thoroughly  
humiliated by our superior  
military strategy, we demand the  
return of our robot, and our pink  
private!" Sarge barked harshly.  
"Okay, but there's one catch!"  
Church stated.  
"What in shinola?"  
"Sarge they want you to build  
two robots for their team. One for  
each prisoner, that they're  
releasing." Church stated, immediately  
thinking of the bodies to use for himself,  
and for Tex.  
"Hey that wasn't part of the deal!"  
Simmons protested.  
"Why exactly are we  
negotiating with Donut?" Grif  
shook himself, and looked at the gathered  
soldiers.  
"Church why do we need two  
robots?" Tucker asked.  
"You know, one for me, and," he  
paused to lower his voice. "One for  
Texas."  
"Oh man, don't tell me  
you're doing this for Tex. You're still  
in love with her, aren't you."  
"Hey get off my back,  
man. Most dead chicks aren't  
exactly lining up to haunt this  
dirthole. Besides, if I don't  
get her a body, she's gonna  
steal mine anyway."  
"Eh, good point." Tucker  
agreed.  
"Bitch." Church insulted.  
"Alright you blue scumsuckers!  
What robot models did you have in  
mind?"  
"I guess make 'em just like  
Lopez! Except, you know, just a  
shell, no intelligence!"  
"These new robots sound much  
nicer." Caboose noted, not  
paying the slightest attention to what  
was going on.  
"That's because they sound like you."  
Tucker said.  
"Oh and no Spanish! And a  
bigger switch!" Church added.  
"Okay, we got a deal!  
Meet us in the center of the canyon  
at 0600 and we'll make the  
exchange." Sarge agreed.  
"Deal!"  
"Okay. I gotta hurry  
back before Lopez and Sheila  
suspect anything. Make sure  
this pink guy doesn't run away  
when I leave. I mean it. I'll  
meet you guys back at the base."  
"What the ' where am I?"  
Donut asked as Church exited his  
body.  
"We were just talking to your friends.  
But you're going to stay with us now for a  
while." Tucker reassured him.  
"Are we gonna have a  
sleepover? Because that would be sweet."  
"You're a nice lady."  
Caboose commented as they started back  
for Blue base.  
"Alright guys, I," Church  
paused as he found neither of the people he  
was looking for, "Sheila? Lopez?  
What the ' why do people keep leaving?"  
"Oh blue team... Before you go,  
maybe we should talk about optional  
equipment on your new robots."  
Sarge called before Tucker left.  
"What optional equipment?!"  
"All you said you wanted was a  
body, we didn't talk about  
featuuuures." Sarge emphasized  
this.  
"Like what?"  
"You know, undercoating, extended  
warranty, features, man, come  
on. Like do you want them to be able  
to use both arms at once?"  
"Of course." Tucker glared  
downhill at Sarge. It was  
unspoken, but Tucker felt he  
did not need to say, "That's the  
general idea of "Just like Lopez,"  
isn't it?" but, he refrained from  
doing this.  
"Asynchronous arm movement  
isssssss optional!"  
"What? Oh man, I told  
Church they would try to screw us!  
What about the feet?" Tucker  
called.  
"Did you want feet?"  
Tucker gritted his teeth.  
"Yeah we want feet!"  
"Sorry, feet are optional."  
"What's on the bottom of its  
legs?"  
"Legs are optional." Sarge  
said.  
"Oh man, what a ripoff."  
"Options are optional."  
"What isn't optional?"  
Tucker finally asked.  
"You look like a nice guy,  
don't worry, we'll work something  
out. Have you thought about financing? How's  
yer credit? I can offer you a free  
set of high quality mud flaps,  
and a lube job. You won't be  
disappointed! I've been told  
my lube jobs are fantastic!"  
Sarge smiled evilly up at the  
Blue soldiers.  
This was going to be a long day for  
sure.


	19. K.I.T. B.F.F.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stuff's about to go haywire as time passes, and whatever happens, happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Interesting fact:  
> The title of this episode, and chapter: K.I.T. B.F.F. means Keep In Touch, Best Friends Forever.  
> This could likely refer to Donut and Caboose, and the forming of what is now called, well, you'll see...

The rock they stood before read,  
"Lopez y Sheila," which made  
no sense to Tucker as he read it.  
He stood beside Church, whom had  
just finished explaining what had  
happened.  
"So Sheila and Lopez were just  
gone when you got back here."  
he said once more, to confirm what  
he'd heard.  
"Yep. They even left a  
note. Says they've gone off  
to start their own robot army. That's  
great." Church slammed his spiritual  
fist into his ghostly palm.  
"Didn't they have a  
non-compete clause?" Tucker  
asked, attempting to reassure  
Church that this could not be true.  
"Also says they want us to meet  
them in the middle of the canyon at  
0600, to discuss the terms of our  
defeat, and or surrender." Church  
pondered this for a few moment.  
"0600. What does that mean?"   
"Isn't that when we're supposed  
to be surrendering to the Reds?"  
Tucker asked.  
"It means six o'clock, right? Si-  
or does it mean, six hun- o  
six hundred. Does six hundred  
mean minutes? Six hundred  
minutes? Because that'd be," Church  
bit his transparent lip as he  
continued to think this through. "That'd be ten  
o'clock. Is it six o'clock or is it  
ten o'clock?"  
"Man, we should really get a  
day planner or something, 'cause this  
shit's just getting ridiculous."  
Sarge stood in front of Red  
base with two robotic figures  
beside him, one colored black, the  
other cobalt. These were the robots  
he'd made for the Blues. As  
it happened, they were the exact  
colors that would have been needed  
to identify who was who.  
"How's it going sir?"  
Simmons asked, approaching him.  
"Great! With these new color  
coded instructions, building robots  
has never been easier. Now all  
the thousands of mistakes I've  
made in my previous efforts seem  
laughably obvious, heh heh."  
Sarge exclaimed, but he paused,  
and looked at Simmons. "Uh,  
except for you, Simmons. No  
mistakes there."  
"Yeah, I didn't think so  
sir. You're great at this, even without  
any formal training, or first party  
certification." Simmons shot  
downward, unintentionally, and hitting his  
own foot.  
"Son did you just shoot yourself in  
the foot?" Sarge asked, just the  
slightest bit concerned.  
"Yeah, I do that now sometimes.  
I'm not really sure why."  
"I'm sure it's user error."  
Sarge reassured him.  
"Hey guys, it's almost time.  
Are the robots ready yet?"  
Grif asked, running down the ramp  
from the top of the Red base.  
"Juuuust puttin' on the finishing  
touches. Gentlemen! Allow me,  
to, introduce," Sarge took a  
deep breath. "Francisco  
Montegue Zanzibar." he  
indicated the robot clad in  
black.  
The two soldiers examined the  
two robots, the black one first.  
"And this one over here is Robot  
Number 2." Sarge remarked,  
indicating the cobalt one.  
"Why didn't this one get a  
fancy name?"  
Sarge refrained from saying, bea  
it'll house the body of a enemy, a  
Blue soldier. Instead, he said,  
"Let's just say somebody has an  
overclocked sass-back chip, and  
rejected all the names I came up  
with."  
"But that's okay. I can even  
use it to my advantage. I made  
some special modifications on  
numero dos. Check it out.  
Robot, number two!  
Codewoooord: Dirtbag."  
The robot in cobalt stepped  
forward quickly, and punched Grif  
in the face.  
"Ow! Hey!" he exclaimed.  
"Heh, heh heh. Pretty  
nifty, huh?"  
"That's awesome, sir. Let me  
try, let me try." Simmons  
exclaimed. He cleared his  
throat and spoke, "Codeword  
dirtbag."  
The robot did it again.  
"Ow! Okay fine, two can  
play at this game. Codeword  
dirtbag." Grif stated,  
confident there would be another outcome.  
But, the result was the same, it  
punched him in the face yet again.  
"Ah son of a bitch."  
"But that's not the only special  
feature." Sarge replied, tilting  
his head enigmatically.  
"What do you mean, sir?"  
Simmons asked.  
"Well, I don't want  
to give anything away, but let's  
just say for instance that one of the robots  
contains a hidden microphone, that  
will allow us to evesdrop on the  
Blues whenever we want. And  
let's just suppose, shall we, that the  
other robot," Sarge couldn't contain  
a gleeful smile as he cleared his  
throat before continuing. "Contains a  
ten megaton bomb, heh heh  
heh heh he, houw, I guess  
I kinda gave it away."  
"Yeah, ya kinda did."  
"I think this is what they call  
the calm before the storm."  
Donut and Caboose sat  
inside the Blue base.  
"I call it nap time. Which is  
right before food time. And then comes  
food-nap time! That is my  
favorite time of them all."  
Caboose replied, smiling.  
"Mister Caboose, I just want  
you to know that even though we are on  
different teams, and we may never  
see each other again, whatever happens  
out there today, I'll always remember  
the moments we shared together. You are  
now, and forever will be, my friend."  
Donut swallow.  
"Private Donut? That sounds  
like Private Biscuit."  
Caboose remarked, smiling.  
"Yes. It, does." Donut  
sobbed, putting his helmeted face  
into his hands.  
"You think they'll show up?"  
Grif asked as they came out into the  
canyon.  
"Well, my gut says no, but,  
then again my gut's made of an  
advanced polymer, it doesn't know  
what the hell it's talkin' about.  
Stupid gut." Simmons stated,  
grumbling the insult to his gut.  
"Great Caesar's Toast!  
Looks like they brought out the heavy  
artillery!" Sarge noted, spotting  
Lopez, and Sheila driving up.  
"What are the Reds doing here?  
We aren't scheduled to conquer them  
until next Tuesday." Lopez  
stated, looking at Sheila, then  
the Red soldiers.  
"That's far enough, Lieutenant  
McMuffin." Caboose remarked  
as he, and Tucker made it to the  
same point, Sheila, Lopez,  
and the Red soldiers gathered there too.  
"Ah ha, they're lining up in  
flanking formation. Those blue  
jackals! Keep yer eyes  
peeled, fellas. This could get  
ugly." Sarge muttered.  
"Are you there Church? Church, are  
you there Church."  
Tucker's voice came through  
Church's radio as he overlooked  
the canyon through his sniper rifle.  
He stood on a cliff just above  
Tucker.  
"Hey man, I've been trying  
to get you on the radio for ten  
minutes. What's goin' on?"  
Church asked, answering the  
transmission.  
"Sorry man, I'm still picking  
up the Reds' transmissions from when  
we broadcast that Lopez song.  
There's a lot of chatter." Tucker  
reported.  
"Well are you at least getting  
any useful information?"  
"Nah it's just the same two  
guys bickering like an old married  
couple. I've only been listening  
for like five minutes and I can already  
tell they're really in love. Why  
can't they see it?"  
Tucker stood near the center  
of the canyon with the other soldiers,  
robots, and Sheila, Church  
above him.  
"Alright. Get ready to launch  
Operation Circle of Confusion."  
Church ordered, his voice coming through  
his helmet's radio.  
"Uh Church," Tucker started,  
looking at his, Caboose's,  
and then Church's, formation. "It kinda  
looks more like a triangle from down  
here."  
"What?"  
Church looked down at the formation  
he'd planned out all in his head,  
not seeing what Tucker meant.  
"I'm just saying it doesn't  
look much like a circle, it looks  
more like we're forming a triangle.  
It's just a side-note." Tucker  
said.  
"Okay fine," Church started, his  
patience being tried. "Triangle  
of confusion. Rhombus of terror,  
parabola of mystery, WHO   
Cares?! Get the Goddamn show  
on the road!" Church yelled.  
"Alright alright, sorry.  
Initiating primary commencement  
phase."  
"What're they talking about?"  
Donut asked, looking to Caboose  
for his answers.  
"Quiet Commander  
Pop'n'Fresh. I think they're  
talking about your golden flakey  
crust."  
"Hello everyone!" Tucker  
stood atop a hill, almost as if  
asserting himself that way, as he  
spoke, his voice carrying across  
the center of the canyon, to all ears.  
"We're here to surrender! At this  
time, we would like to ask for one  
representative, or prisoner from  
each group to cross sides."  
"Hey, I think I see  
Lopez over there!" Grif  
exclaimed, spotting the Spanish  
robot.  
"Lopez the Heavy takes  
orders from your kind no more."  
"Yep, it's him." Grif  
announced confidently.  
"Tell him big daddy."  
Sheila's voice came to them.  
"Okay, get going pinky."  
"Goodbye, Major Cinnamon  
Bun! I will always remember your  
buttery goodness!" Caboose called  
after Donut, who started over to the  
Red side of the çanyon.  
"Who was that guy?" he asked after the  
pink armored soldier was out of  
earshot.  
"Look, they're releasing  
Donut."  
"Go on, Francis Ex,  
front 'n' center." Sarge  
remarked, sending the robot clad in  
black out.  
"A robot! They wish to turn  
our own kind against us!" Lopez  
spat, watching the ordeal.  
"Um, Church? Do you think  
maybe in hindsight it was a bad  
idea for us to put Lopez around a  
bunch of robots?"  
"Just stick to the plan, Tucker.  
Get the first robot over there, I'll  
draw Lopez's fire, come on!"  
Church reassured him.  
Lopez stepped out in between the  
robot that was coming straight for Tucker  
and Church's location, and Donut,  
who was headed for the opposite side.  
"Don't move, traitor!"  
Lopez remarked, stopping the  
robot.  
"What does it, it's a double  
cross! Donut, Frankie  
Zane, get back here!" Sarge  
called.  
"No! Stay where you are! Do not  
go back!" Tucker ordered, aiming  
his gun at the robots.  
"Now the blues are aiming at  
each other? What the hell's going  
on?" Grif asked, looking at  
this confused.  
"We've been outmaneuvered,  
men! Take cover. I'm calling  
in an air strike." Sarge  
stated.  
Sarge activated his radio, and a  
louder version of the radios activation  
screeched through Tucker's helmet,  
"OW, MOTHER, what the hell is that  
noise?"  
"Yeh, Red Command, come in!  
This is Blood Gulch Outpost  
Number One! Do you read me?"  
Sarge called into the radio.  
"Hello, hello, who's there?  
Come in, is that you Private  
Tucker? Hello." Vic called  
back through the radio.  
Besarge blinked in confusion.  
"Private who? No, Vic, this  
is Sarge, from Blood Gulch  
Outpost Number One."  
"Oh, hey there Sarge, long  
time no see, sorry 'bout that I  
uh, anyway what can we do here for  
you at Red Command today?" Vic  
asked.  
"I'm up to my haunches in  
hyenas here, Vic. I need an  
airstrike, and I need it on the  
pronto!"  
"Can do Sarge, I will send an  
airstrike to target the Blue forces  
now. Course I'll need you to fax  
in the airstrike requisition form."  
Vic replied.  
"But I can't!" Sarge  
protested, he turoed 'his gaze  
to Simmons. "I had to use spare  
parts from our fax machine to build  
Simmons Two Point O."  
"Whoa!" a loud beeping, and  
fax machine noises came from  
Simmons, who cleared his throat.  
"Hmm, excuse me, man it must  
have been something I ate." he  
remarked.  
"Hey Simmons? Why is there  
paper coming out of your ass?"  
Grif asked, looking at him.  
"What the hell, Vic!"  
Tucker asked, listening in on the  
transmission. "How do you know the  
Red team? Why're you helping them  
against the Blues? What the fuck  
is going on here?"  
"Oh, Private, Tucker,  
you're on here too, uhm," Vic  
paused. "See I uh, you guys  
are, uh, uh, I gotta go, bad  
connection."  
Both Tucker and Sarge knew that  
that was a lie, but they could not help  
it. The connection went dead.  
"Wait, Vic. Red Command!  
Come in, I need ya!"  
"Well. That's not gonna be very  
good for business." Vic remarked,  
looking down.  
"Simmons, Grif, we're out  
of luck. Get ready to open fire.  
Today is a good day to die!" Sarge  
said, preparing his shotgun.  
"Wait! I think today is  
actually a good day to retreat.  
Can't we push dying to a week from  
friday?" Grif asked.  
"Yeah, let's all take dying  
as an open action item, and come  
back with suggestions next meeting."  
Simmons agreed.  
"No! It has to be today. For our  
ancestors.  
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"  
Sarge began to charge up the  
hill, straight for Tucker,  
Caboose, and the robots, including  
Donut.  
"Wait everyone, stop fighting!"  
Tucker shouted.  
"Yeah, come on!" Sarge  
continued to yell, his voice carrying  
the canyon.  
"It's all a lie!"  
"Let's go! Haha!"  
"Red is blue! Blue is  
red!" Tucker shouted, attempting  
to be heard over the cries of  
Sarge, who was bloodthirsty.  
"Yeah, kablammo!"  
"We're all the same!"  
"Yeeekakakakakakakakaka!"  
Sarge made an unintelligible  
noise as radio noises came  
to their ears. Church arrived next  
to everyone.  
"Tucker, you radio's giving  
too much feedback, shut it off!"  
he shouted.  
"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"  
"This is fun!" Caboose  
yelled.  
"Yaaaaaaaaaaaakakakaka!  
Oh, dammit! Gaaaaaaaaaa!"  
"Quiet Sarge, I can't hear  
what that guy's yelling!" Simmons  
shouted.  
"Lock and load." Sheila  
stated.  
"I LOVE BLOOD AND  
VIOLENCE!"  
"Stop fighting! Stop fighting!"  
Tucker ordered.  
"I'VE GOT A BONER  
FOR MURDER!"  
"What did you say, Blue?"  
Simmons shouted, cupping a hand  
over his mouth to be heard.  
"Kaboom!" Sarge shouted. It  
seemed nobody had noticed  
Church's possession of the second  
robot, the one clad in cobalt.  
"I said, there's no red versus  
blue! It's all the'" Tucker  
stopped, on account of a flying  
craft, coming out of nowhere. A  
soldier clad in purple, at  
a closer glance was Doc, shot  
Tucker in the back, sending him  
flying forward, and down the hill.  
"Waaaaaa son of a bitch!"  
he shouted as he sailed through the air.  
"What the hell is that?"  
"What the hell is that?!"  
"Mira que cosa?"   
Lopez, Sarge, and Church  
all turned their gazes to the sky,  
meanwhile, Donut shouted, "Oh  
my God. It's the Cave  
Devil. Run for your lives!"  
An explosion shaked the ground,  
sending Donut, Caboose,  
Lopez, and the black clad robot  
scattering in different directions.  
"Oops! Sorry about that big  
explosion!" Doc cried down to them.  
"Sorry it wasn't bigger!   
"Wait a second, I'd know  
that laugh anywhere, that's  
O'Malley!" Church realized,  
looking to the aircraft that Doc  
was riding. But, there was no sign of  
O'Malley, other than the  
disembodied laugh.  
This time, the rocket landed behind  
Church, Donut, Sarge,  
Caboose, and the other, unpossessed  
robot, scattering them as well.  
"My bad!"  
"Come on robot, you're with me."  
"Sheila, stop them!" Lopez  
called to Sheila as he shot at  
Church and the other robot, which had  
kept it's name, Zanzibar.  
"My pleasure." Sheila  
replied, firing her own weapon at  
the two robots, one possessed  
by Church.  
"Grif." Sarge said, look-  
at the orange soldier. "We're  
going to die. I'm glad we get  
these last few moments to make  
amends. My only hope is that  
I die before you, so that I don't  
live through the horror of losing a  
man on the battlefield."  
Sarge sounded pitiful, but Grif  
did not, completely, believe it.  
"Yeeeah. I hope you die first  
too, Sarge." Grif said,  
slowly.  
"Tucker, Tucker! Are you  
okay?"  
Tucker lay on the ground, more  
near the top of the hill than Church  
had expected. Church and Zanzibar  
had managed to evade the fire of the  
guns of Lopez, and Sheila, just enough  
to crest the hill.  
"Church. The purple guy.  
He's,"  
"Yeah I know, it's  
O'Malley. He must have got in  
the medic somehow." Church interrupted.  
"No. He's an asshole."  
"Lopez! No!" Sheila's  
voice came to them in the background.  
"Church, how come Tucker gets  
to nap during battles and I  
don't?" Caboose asked.  
"Help! He took Lopez!"  
Sheila rolled up the hill to the  
location of the Blue soldiers.  
"What? Where'd he go?"  
O'Malley's laughter was then  
heard.  
"Here I am, you fool!"  
O'Malley cried, standing atop the  
Red base.  
"How'd he get up there so quick?"  
"That guy's wicked fast!"  
Donut observed.  
"Thanks, I lettered in track in  
high school! It was the least  
directly competitive sport I  
could find!" Doc shouted across the  
canyon.  
"Track sucks!" Grif  
yelled.  
"You suck! And now I make my  
escape with my metallic hostage,  
never to be seen again! Unless I  
want to be seen, in which case, if  
I see you before you see me, look  
out!" O'Malley laughed  
enigmatically as he spoke. "The  
Universe will be mine!"  
"Lopez! No!" Sheila  
cried out.  
"Move it, brown bot."  
O'Malley urged Lopez  
onward.  
They left through the teleporter, and  
just before he left, his voice could be  
heard yelling, "Into the abyss!"  
And then he, Doc, and Lopez  
all disappeared.  
"Everyone hold your fire!"  
Church shouted. "We're comin' out.  
Truce!"  
"Time out!" Caboose added.  
Church and Caboose ran forward,  
coming up to the Red soldiers. "Would  
someone explain what just happened  
here?" Grif asked, looking at the  
two in complete confusion.  
"That evil guy in the scooter  
shot one of our guys and ran off with  
Lopez." Church sumkmarized.  
"But we need Lopez for very  
specific reasons that we don't  
have to explain to you. We have to get him  
back." Sarge said  
"Yeah and we have to get the evil  
guy back. He's the only one  
around here that can heal Tucker."  
Church agreed.  
"So now we're forced to work together.  
How ironic." Grif mused, a  
tinge of sarcasm in his voice.  
"No, that's not ironic.  
Ironic would be if we had to work  
together to hurt each other."  
Simmons said.  
"No, ironic would be instead of  
that guy kidnapping Lopez,  
Lopez kidnapped him."  
Donut said.  
"I think it would be ironic if  
our guns didn't shoot bullets,  
but instead squirted a healing salve  
that cured all wounds."  
"I think it would be ironic, if  
everyone was made of iron."  
Caboose stated, his logic  
flawed, as usual.  
Two hours later, everyone was  
situated atop Red base, just before  
the teleporter, near where Doc  
had discarded his scooter.  
"Okay. We all agree, that  
while the current situation, is not  
totally ironic, the fact that we  
now have to work together, is odd in an  
unexpected way, that defies our  
normal circumstances. Is  
everybody happy with that?" Church  
looked from soldier to soldier,  
asserting himself as one of the leaders.  
"Yes." Sarge nodded.  
"And, I just finished  
reprogramming our teleporter,  
to take us directly to Lopez and  
O'Malley's coordinates."  
Simmons informed them.  
"We'll leave one member of  
each team so that no one can trick  
anyone and take over the canyon.  
Our man will be Donut." Sarge  
looked at Donut.  
"We will leave Corporal  
Croissandwich!" Caboose said,  
though, Donut was on the opposite  
team.  
"Caboose,"  
"We will leave Sheila."  
"Yeah, thanks guys. Because, you  
know if this is a trick, I'm  
sure I can hold her off on my  
own." Donut replied  
sarcastically, glaring at his  
teammates.  
"Alright, we're gonna do this  
one at a time then. You first Sarge."  
Sarge:  
"Today seems like a good day  
to teleport." Sarge yelled as  
he ran through the teleporter.  
"Geronimo!"  
"Paskataway!" Caboose  
shouted as he followed suit.  
"Hmmm," Simmons mused.  
"What's wrong?" Grif  
asked him.  
"I just had a really weird  
feeling that I'm never gonna see  
this place again." Simmons  
pondered.  
"And that's a bad thing?"  
"Oh I didn't say weird  
bad, I just said weird." And with that,  
Simmons himself, ran through the  
teleporter, and into what lay beyond.  
"Alright. It's Grif, right?  
You 'n' me will go through together, ready?"  
"After you." Grif said, refraining  
any from speaking anything rude, or  
sarcastic, yet.  
"Hah." Donut said thoughtfully,  
as Grif and Church went through the  
teleporters last. "I wonder  
if I should have told the guys that thing  
I heard O'Malley say about  
sabotage when I was in the cave.  
Ah well."  
He turned to Sheila.  
"Uh, hi!"  
"Stop staring at my treads,  
buddy." Sheila did not sound the  
nicest of people.  
"Geeze. Sorry." Donut  
looked down.  
Zanzibar, the black armored  
robot, shook violently for a  
few moments, and finally, it swiveled  
its head, more animated.  
"Alright you sons of bitches,  
I'm back, and I've got some,"  
Freelancer Agent Texas started,  
looking around. Then, she noticed  
nobody was there, no Blues at  
least, that she could see. "Hey, hey  
where'd everybody go?" She turned  
to focus on Donut. "Do I know  
you? Hey! You're the girl that  
killed me!"  
"Uh oh." Donut remarked,  
Sheila's turret turning from  
Tex to Donut.  
"Prepare to surrender,  
dirtbag!"  
Sarge and Caboose stood  
in a stream, on a completely  
different planet, somewhere neither  
of the two soldiers recognized.  
"Okay, I surrender. Now  
it's your turn." Caboose  
said happily.  
"Not you, moron. Wait a  
minute, where are we?" Sarge  
asked, looking around the stream, and the  
area beyond.  
"Guys? Oh guys, where is  
everybody?"  
Simmons looked around an  
industrial complex of some sort.  
Around him were several teleporters,  
at least twenty by his count.  
Church blinked as he and Grif  
appeared, standing on a cliff on  
Sidewinder, the planet of ice.  
"Alright, now let's just find, where  
is everybody?" Church looked  
around.  
"Whoa. Where are we? What is  
this place?" Grif asked, looking  
around in wonderment.  
It seemed Grif had not been out  
traveling much.  
"Freeze," came an asserting  
voice, "Drop your weapon!"  
Behind the two soldiers of Blood  
Gulch's boxed canyon, stood a  
soldier clad in tan armor.  
"Uh oh." he turned to face  
the soldier.  
"I said freeze, dirtbag!"  
Two beeps, and then an odd  
sound which Church could not identify,  
then his arm cocked back, slamming his  
fist into Grif's face.  
"Ow! Aw come on!"  
From now on, this diverse group, from  
Grif's laziness, Church's  
assertive attitude, Tucker's  
oddities, and Donut's pink  
armor, which was an indication in itself,  
they were an inseparable group. They  
soon became known as: The Blood  
Gulch Crew.


End file.
